RAW IS INSOMNIA 12/11/12

@adamninja

TONIGHT: Brad Maddox battles The Ryback! Vickie Guerrero stirs up some shit with AJ and John Cena! CM Punk celebrates his 355th day as WWE Champion! AND The King Jerry Lawler returs to the commentators desk. Continue reading

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WWE HELL IN A CELL LIVEBLOG

HELL IN A CELL 2012

Will The Ryback bring home the gold?

WE ARE LIVE from Phillips Arena in Atlanta GA. Commentators tonight are JBL, Michael Cole and Jim Ross.

The set looks really good. I approve of the new trend of not having a border around the big screen.

Alberto Del Rio v Randy Orton

Great choice to open the show. Ricardo’s ring intro mentions PROMO Azteca I believe.

Announcers open up talking about how Orton looks naked without gold. Given Randy’s lost nearly every week in the buildup, he should win here.

Orton quickly takes over on ADR outside. He puts the Garvin stomp on him back in. Del Rio gets the heat two minutes in with an arm breaker over the turnbuckle. He basically lashes the arm out of it for the remainder of the match with Randy’s usual highspots worked in. ADR did a ridiculous double foot stomp off the top that looked like it broke Orton in two. He then horribly botched a top rope dropkick reversal spot by jumping off too early. Or Randy fucked it up by turning around too late. Either way they lost the crowd who had been with them the whole way.

Finish saw Randy reverse the armbar for a two count. Afterwards Del Rio went for his springboard kick but got hit with an RKO for the win. Great finish but they REALLY fucked up that spot in the home stretch.

Winner: Randy Orton – RKO.

Vickie Guerrero and Paul Heyman waste some time for a few minutes.

Tag Titles – Team Hell No v Rhodes Scholars.

Both teams have been awesome lately. The challengers cut a promo calling themselves the tag team champions in the style of Kane and Daniel Brian.

Brian and Damien Sandow start off. Brian hits his YES kicks in the corner and tags in Kane. Rhodes comes in and sideslams Cody Rhodes. Brian back in for more YES/NO related crowd banter. Seriously, the crowd are DYING to cheer Daniel as a face.

Heels hit a blind tag and Sandow hits Kane with a chop block for the heat. Kane fights back and hits the lukewarm tag.

Brian runs wild and hits a tope on both guys. Bad guys take over on the way back in. The heel team are making quick tags and  generally being dicks. Elbow of Distain gets two and Sandow hits the chinlock. Brian fights out and hits a drop toe hold on to the turnbuckle and gets the hot tag.

Usual Kane spots  but the clothesline gets blocked. He gets it on the second try and signals for the chokeslam. Brian tags himself in, hits the flying knee and we have some face miscommunication. Sandow pulls Kane out and Rhodes hits a pescado on to both. Brian follows with the apron knee but hits Kane by mistake. They argue and Rhodes hits a baseball slide. Rhodes hits his finish in the ring and Kane saves and loses his mind. He destroys both heels as the ref starts counting. Oh fuck.

The elusive ‘kicking too much ass’ DQ. THIS FEUD MUST CONTINUE.

Winners: Rhodes Scholars – DQ.

THEY SHOWED AN AD FOR DOOMSDAY PREPPERS! AMAZING!

Intercontinental Championship – Kofi Kingston v The Miz.

Miz gets his AWESOME inflatable entrance. Has to be winning.

Kofi is wearing some new tights. Has to be winning.

They go back and forth for a bit with Kofi showing some decent fire. Something he’s lacked since the Randy Orton program which we will never speak of again. Miz catches him off a gymnastic display with a big boot on the outside. He takes it inside and hits the chinlock. Kofi fights out and gets dragged down by the hair. Miz gets two off the top rope axehandle. He gets clotheslined off the corner clothesline and Kofi starts his comeback spots. Boom Drop sets up the Trouble in Paradise but MIz bails. Crossbody gets two. They badly fuck up a neck breaker/rollup spot.

Miz takes over again with a weird move. I’m gonna go with ‘ankle stunner’. Miz starts working on the leg and rips off the padding and shit Kofi wears on his boots. Best part is that now it looks like Kofi wears corrective shoes now one of his lifts are gone. Half crab from Miz and Kofi starts working for the ropes. Miz pulls him back but gets rolled up. Trouble in Paradise is ducked and Miz goes for the Skull Crushing Finale. They ‘battle’ over it and Kofi boots Miz outside the ring. Miz back in, gets the big kick and Kofi gets the three.

Winner: Kofi Kingston – Trouble in Paradise.

Kingston cuts a cringey promo afterwards and we’re all embarrassed for him.

United States Championship – Antonio Cesaro v Justin Gabriel

Cesaro cuts a promo in Swiss as I realize that the WHAT chants are TEN YEARS OLD. And we’ll all wish cancer on to Steve Austin and move on with our lives.

JBL on commentary buries Gabriel’s hair. It is outlandish in fairness. JBL also puts over Gabriel’s dad Paul Lloyd as a great Greco Roman wrestler.

Cesaro starts off with some power stuff. Clubbering, stomps and the like. He hits the chinlock for a bit as the announcers are really getting on my nerves. Cesaro hits a cool fallaway slam off the top rope. He’s basically grecoing the shit out of Gabriel. Gabriel lands on his feet off a throw and hits a quebrada but gets clotheslined out of his boots for some more heat. Gabriel gets his feet up on a blind charge and hits a spinning DDT. He rolls through the 450 and after a bit of messing around hits an AJ Styles DDT from the corner. Cesaro escapes to the outside as Gabriel follows with a pescado. He follows right into the fucking Bolo uppercut however and that’s it. Cesaro rolls him in, hits the Neutraliser and finishes the job.

Winner: Antonio Cesaro – Neutraliser.

Looks like we’re going with Punk – Ryback early. Shit one baldy.

Nope, just a Ryback video package on this here pay per view.

Oh, unadvertised match TWO here tonight as I assume Ryback’s match will be going all of three minutes.

Rey Mysterio/Sin Cara v THE PRIMETIME PLAYERS

Yes, real main event for me here.

Has Rey gotten that fat that he needs to hide his upper body with that stupid vest? Young hits the chinlock after a minute, Rey fights out and Sin Cara gets his contractually mandated one minute to shine before selling for five.

Titus catches Sin Cara’s cross body and hits three backbreakers. He then casually throws Sin Cara away as the crowd laughs. Darren Young hits a sideslam on the apron. A really cool move thats no more dangerous than a bodyslam. Heels switch off with a cool gourdbuster double team. Awesome spot as Yong starts wiggling his hips shouting MILLIONS OF DOLLARS and gets kicked in the dick. Titus hits a suplex that looked like it took way more effort than it should have. Sin Cara’s selling has improved drastically. The baby face team’s masks are awesome by the way, both have the others’ mask design on the back of their own.

Titus misses a three point stance in the corner and Sin Cara gets the Ultimo Dragon reverse DDT. Hot tag Rey and he runs wild with the usual as the crowd are popping big. D. Young’s punch drunk selling is something to behold. Awesome. Sin Cara hits a plancha off the post while Rey hits the 619 in the ring. Big splash gets the pin, great match.

Replays show that the reversal Sin Cara got into the reverse DDT looked more like he got dragon suplexed on his own head. SHIT ONE.

Winners: Sin Cara/Rey Mysterio – 619/Splash

World Heavyweight Title: Sheamus v Big Show.

JBL seems delighted that Leinster scored nine tries against the Cardiff Blues. As he should be. Dolph is shown backstage with the case. Some power stuff to start to establish the Big Show as the BIG SHOW. Bodyslams and the like from Show as the match is sloooowwww.

Sheamus, in fairness, is doing some uber quick offense to get back into it. He hits a tackle to the legs and Show rolls out to survey the situation. Back in and Sheamus hits some shoulder blocks in the corner that make me yearn for Brock Lesnar. Show biers him back out and throws him into the dasher boards. Back in a sideslam gets two as Sheamus is a pretty good plucky babyface. For a 260 pound man like. Show casually throws Sheamus over the announce table and hits the Final Cut back inside.

Sheamus fights back and gets a flying shoulder block over the top rope. Show comes right back however and slaps him around some more. Show puts on a bearhug, Sheamus come back with a slam but Show lands on top. Vaderbomb gets two afterwards. Show goes for the chokeslam but Sheamus fucks up a DDT reversal. He hits the 10 forearms on Show but gets hit with the chokeslam for TWO. Great near fall.

Sheamus fights back off a camel clutch and tries for the cloverleaf with predictable results. Back in with some knees and a couple of Polish hammers. Sheamus gets Show up for White Noise but can only get two. Awesome near fall again!

Sheamus sizes up the Brogue Kick and gets KNOCKED OUT. Show covers for TWO. HOLY SHIT! Show goes for the punch again but Sheamus nails him with the Brogue Kick! AGAIN FOR TWO! He BURIED him with that kick on the replay!

Sheamus goes for a second kick but Show punches the shit out of him mid move. New Champion. Really great series of spots to finish. Great job from both guys.

Winner and NEW World Heavyweight Champion: Big Show – WMD punch.

Women’s Match – Tea break. Also, couple of Fox’s Classics.

Divas Title – Eva v Kaitlin v Layla

All I’ll say about this is that Kaitlin squats bro.

Winner: Eve – STEALING THE PIN

THREE WEEK BUILD TO SURVIVOR SERIES

HERE WE GO!

WWE Championship: CM Punk v THE RYBACK

The opening package was actually amazing. THERE”S HOLES IN THE SIDE! WILL THERE BE CLIMBING?

Heyman provides his watch so we know it’s clobbering time. Punk and Heyman share a sad hug before Punk enters the cell. Goldberg chants already. I love that Ryback’s twitter is Ryback22. As if there were 21 other Rybacks that were cyberjacking his name.

Brad Maddox is your referee tonight. Oh.

Punk starts by running away. Repeatedly. Heyman: “I believe in you.”

Punk with a chop but Ryback hits the boot stomp. Ryback whips Punk into the buckle twice. He follows with a blind charge and hits boot. Tornado DDT attempt by Punk is thrown off comically by Ryback. Punk now being thrown again and again into the cell. GOLDBERG, GOLDBERG.

Punk attacks from under the ring with a fire extinguisher is a hilarious looking spot. Ryback just boots a chair back into Punk’s face and press slams him in over the top.Another press slam inside as Ryback sets up for the meathook. It misses and Punk hits a springboard clothesline. The fans are starting to get behind Punk now.Two Macho Man axehandles get Ryback down to a knee. A third is caught and Ryback starts with the shoulderblocks in the corner. Punk back with a heel kick and a tope into the cage. Neckbreaker outside from Punk. A second gets reversed but Punk dodges and Ryback eats the steps.

Back in and Punk gets the chinlock. Ryback gets the backpack stunner and hits the post again. Punk with a running knee to the corner and the flying elbow. Punk gets a kendo stick and starts going to work on Ryback’s back. He just shrugs it off and starts the big comeback. Clotheslines and the huge back body drop. He hits the meathook and BRAD MADDOX blocks the Shellshock. Maddox hits Ryback with a lowblow and they dog pile him for the quick three. Inventive way of getting out of the match in fairness.

Ryback starts whooping on all involved after the match. Maddox gets the meathook. Ryback then press slams him into the fucking cage. Never in a million years would I get in there with that man. Punk starts climbing to get away but Ryback follows. He hits Punk with Shellshock on top of the cell which really put the shits up me.

The show ends with Ryback on top of the cell with one foot on Punk’s chest.

Weird show.

Best match: Sheamus v Show

Worst match: Divas.

Follow me @adamninja. KTHX.

RAW LIVEBLOG 8/10/12

Fuck it, been too long since I watched Raw live. I’m expecting it to be a train wreck.

Announcers are Cole, JR and JBL.

Cena comes out and does a fucking AWFUL promo, making animal noises and shit. He eventually blames CM Punk for the show being so shitty lately and challenges him for Hell in a Cell. THE RYBACK interrupts his exit and they share an uneasy look. I’m sure Cena is fucking dreading working with that man.

THE RYBACK v Primo and Epico, The sad Puerto Ricans.

Goldberg chants early. They get some heat early while JBL gives out about Carlos Colon owing him money. Ryback finishes the lads with the usual in about three minutes. He looks so dangerous, dumping people on the back of their heads and shit. The crowd are getting super into him though.

Brodus Clay is out as the dancers are looking ultra hooer tonight.

R-Truth v Brodus Clay never gets started. Stupid fucking dance off. There’s Vince on the big screen. His message “Fuck off and dance out of here black people. Your master needs his ring.”

Vince is out to save the company. THE STATE OF THE WWE. He buries Brodus Clay and dancing in general. He’s going on about the ‘entertainment’ aspect of WWE. CM Punk interrupts in his new appalling t shirt. Paul Heyman holding the belt is the best thing in wrestling today.

Vince buries the t shirt. YAY. Punk ranting about not fighting Cena. Same as last week. Disrespect etc. Vince says he’s not a CM Punk guy nor a Heyman guy. Not the best week for Jewish writers.

Punk threatens to leave again like he did last year. He’s the best in the world, makes the company go around and all that.

Vince: “What makes this a success is the WWE Universe.” Cocksucker.

Vince negatively compares Punk to Shawn, Andre, Bret, HHH and Undertaker before Punk cuts him off at Austin. Punk calls Steve Austin a coward that beat up a clueless inept millionaire. Hopefully this is the first step towards Punk – Austinat Mania.

Punk fucking HAMMERS Vince with a slap and knocks him down. UGH, Vince v Punk tonight. Heyman thinks that “this went the wrong way”. Punk suggests trusting him.

THE FUCKING LADS are in the ring doing their dance. All black wrestlers dance. Rule #43 of wrestling.

Prime Time Players v Rey Mysterio/Sin Cara

Rey is mucho chubby at the minute. The Mexicans do some dives to take us to commercial. Rule #7 of Raw.

Sin Cara is getting surprisingly awesome as a never say die babyface. Especially given how shitty he was when he started out. Rey makes the hot comeback and finishes with the 619 and top rope splash. This was fucking great, they are better than all teams that aren’t Kazarian and Daniels.

The invisible camera is busy listening to Punk and Heyman having a chat. Punk is gonna whoop his ass while Heyman wants him to lay down.

Wade Barrett v Sheamus. Neither lad are as good as Tom “The Scorpion” King. Big Show interrupts straight away. He just observes the match, decided to wait until we’ve wasted ten minutes before doing the fuck finish.

Both of these lads don’t mind laying the digs in so it should be alright. Sheamus slams Barrett around for a bit until Barrett trips him to the outside. Sheamus lands hard as Raw rule #7 rears it’s head again.

Back from break and Sheamus is taking back over on Barrett. They really don’t like showing Sheamus in trouble for too long. Barrett getting some heat with knee lifts and choking. He kicks Sheamus square in the fucking face and gets two off that. Flying elbow misses and Sheamus makes the big comeback. Clotheslines, Polish hammers, show more kneelifts. Fuck off kneelifts.  JBL quotes Dusty as Sheamus comes with the clobbering. FUCKING TENSAI runs in for the fuck finish.

Sheamus makes his own comeback and hits Tensai with the boot. He tries it on Show who just dumps him over the top like a bitch. Sheamus fucking NAILED the back of his head on the floor.

We goto break as JR is going to the back to interview Vince.

CM Punk talks to AJ about breaking Vince tonight. AJ suggests he’s too scared to fight John Cena. Punk gives her a little smooch and sleazes out of the room.

They show some Cena clips from shitty TV shows. I take the opportunity to watch Tom KIng lashing lads out of it in the MMA League.

Poor Tyson Kidd, never has an entrance.

Antonio Cesaro v Tyson Kidd.

Kidd does the sweetest reversal into an armlock around the ropes. Then he gets lashed out of it after a roll up. Double foot stomp on the apron from Cesaro. No heat for the poor lads. Kidd makes a sweet comeback with some high flying and shit. Cesaro cuts him off with the flapjack uppercut and finishes with the Neutraliser. Three minutes but it was a great three minutes.

Can’t believe there’s more than an hour to go. Honestly feel like bailing on it.

Vickie Guerrero is out. Rack ahoy. Time for Ziggler to get his weekly mandated loss. He seems to be more flamboyantly homosexual as the weeks go by. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Ricardo Rodriguez can’t roll his r’s anymore. More honey and lemon son.

The fans love Daniel Brian so much. Nobody in wrestling gets the reaction he gets.

Zigger/Del Rio v Team Hell No.

Is it wrong that I’m sick of all the pink cancer shit? Usual array of blind tags from THN as they work over the challengers. JBL takes the opportunity to run down Mil Mascaras. He doesn’t even raise his voice about him, just casually describes his hatred. Kane dumps Ziggler and Bryan tags himself in. He hits the flying knee to the outside as we go to a break. Rule #7 will never be proven wrong.

We’re back as the blind tagging keeps going. Heel tag team shenanigans and Del Rio takes over on Bryan.Sweet super kick from ADR as we  slowly make our way towards the big segment in five minutes. Some more back and forth shit as the fans only want Bryan on offense. Anything else happening and they’re bored as fuck. Some more heel team formula as this is beginning to drag. Ziggler and Bryan with the Yes/No spot that the fans do get into. Obviously he’s cut off and the fans shut up again. Kane with the hot tag and the fans wake up a bit. Ziggler cuts him off and gets two with the fameasser. Kane back with the usual and Bryan tags himself in and hits a missile dropkick for two. Some more wacky tags and Kane wins with the chokeslam. Ziggler loses obviously.

The invisible camera catches Vince and JR having a heart to heart. They bring up Jerry Lawler as a way to get heat for the match. Vince wants JR to call the match and gets JR to shout “MCMAHON MCMAHON MCMAHON” to psyche him up or whatever.

Who had three weeks in the “Use the heart attack as an angle” pool?

Larry King is out with some hooer. Shaun, his wife apparently. The Miz interrupts to talk about a fucking twitter war they had last week. Miz tries to get everyone to sing him happy birthday which goes about as well as you’d expect. Kofi Kingston gets brought out to replace Miz. Kingston sucks up to the fans in the most patronising manner. All these people are shite. Chick throws water at Miz, ofi batters Miz and throws him off the stage. He follows with a flying clothesline as this show FUCKING DRAGS ON.

Santino/Zack Ryder v Rhodes Scholars.

Rhodes and Sandow were meant to be as a team. One guess who’s winning this. Ryder used to be so over. Ryder with some rollups and a clothesline before Sandow takes over. Sandow is such a bastard. The fans are so bored here. Three hours is way too fucking long to have this level of match on so late. Santino gets the lukewarm tag and immediately gets pinned with the disaster kick.

Next week it’s Rey/Sin Cara v Rhodes Scholars.

The worst gang of all time, Heath Slater, Jinder Mahal and Drew McIntire batter Santino after the match. Then they do their dance. FUCK. MORE ANGLES.

Invisible camera with Vince and Heyman. Paul wants to broker peace between Punk and Vince using Vince’s dad as a hook. Vince is not appreciative.

It’s half three in the fucking morning and IT’S EVE V KAITLIN. Rule #3. If you both only get billed with one name, your match will only go two minutes.

Layla is on commentary. Great. I’m currently watching the Top Ten Moves Of Johhny Ace on Youtube.

10. Missile Dropkick

9. Lariat Flurry

8. Powerbomb Hold

7. Apron DDT

6. Ace Crusher II

5. Ace Crusher

4. Cobra Clutch Suplex

3.  Apron Ace Crusher

2. Rope Assisted Ace Crusher

1. Press Style Ace Crusher.

Eve beat Kaitlin with a heel hook.

Daniel Bryan wackiness with Larry King and his mot. Kane arrives. More wackiness. Kane thought Larry King was Skeletor. Legit funny.

Invisible camera catches Heyman trying to talk Punk out of the fight again. I WANT TO GO TO BED.

Vince McMahon v CM Punk

Vince gets jumped on the way down the aisle. Punk kicks the fuck out of him outside the ring. Vince double legs Punk and they have a laughable ground and pound reversal series. Punk boots him in the head and does a bit of gloating. To the outside where Punk mocks JR on the headset. Vince reverses the GTS  by running Punk into the post. It looks like Vince is busted open hard way as he chucks Punk over the announce table. He goes to town on Punk with a microphone and runs a chair into his balls.

Back inside and Vince has the Shane-O-Mac kendo stick. Punk bails however and tries to retreat to the back. Vince punches Heyman outside and hijacks the title. Punk gets his own stick as the stand off continues. They have a stick war which Vince gets the better of. The fans are losing their minds as Punk hits a low blow. Punk goes all Steve Blackman on Vince with both sticks and motions for the GTS. Ryback interrupts for fuck sake. Punk bails but Cena runs out to throw him back in. Ryback with the clothesline and goes for the Pinkeye. Punk escapes and runs.

Vince gets on the microphone and gives Punk an ultimatum. Fight Cena or Ryback at Hell in a Cell. I’d pick Cena. All day.

Terrible show by the way. Never again.