Go Home RAW 21/1/13

From the HP Pavillion (THE SHARK TANK) in San Jose, CA.

Announcers are Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler.

Vickie Guerrero is out to start with Paul Heyman on her arm. The gist is that she’s pissed at The Rock for the concert last week.

Heyman is out in a show of solidarity with Vickie. He feels that The Rock defamed both himself and Vickie. She introduces the footage of Rock making fun of Paul against his wishes. Paul then suggests that it’s vile to make fun of a “poor, defenceless widow”. FUCK. He then introduces the footage of Rock destroying HER. Vickie does not appreciate this.

Vickie announces The Rock has been banned from the arena on the threat of arrest. Right on cue they show Rock being blocked by San Jose police backstage. Rock suggests the cops arrest CM Punk for impersonating a champion, Heyman for not wearing a bra and that Vickie has her head up her ass. It’s not a matter of if but when The Rock gets in according to himself.

Announcers basically say that Rock will be here tonight.

There is a series of Beat The Clock matches tonight. WInner gets to choose their number in the Rumble on Sunday.

Antonio Cesaro v Randy Orton in a beat the clock match.

Both guys try quick roll ups to start. Headlock sequence from Cesaro. “Ask him ref!” Thesz press gets two for Orton as  both guys are going for the pin whenever they get a chance which is a nice touch.

We’re seven minutes in when we come back from break. Cesaro gets the fucking Karelin lift into a gut wrench suplex for two. Awesome. We hit the chinlock as the announcers question his strategy. Ceasro hits Orton’s own powerslam and gets a double foot stomp for two. Orton starts his comeback with some clotheslines and a powerslam. Cesaro reverses the elevated DDT into a jacknife pin but only gets two. BAM, flapjack into the BOLO uppercut gets two as he’s looking desperate. He throws Orton into the post but he falls out of the ring. He throws Randy back in but walks into an RKO for the pin at 11:36. Good match, both guys really worked a different match here.

They show the Mick Foley Hall of Fame video they didn’t show last week. It’s fucking awesome.

A video hyping The Shield is up straight afterwards. It too, is awesome.

Big Show v Zack Ryder

They announce that Show v Del Rio at the Rumble will be another Last Man Standing match.

I don’t fancy young Zack’s chances here. He has a new, swole physique though. Brad Maddox jumps the rail and starts doing commentary. He’s a surprise despite there being an extra seat out at the desk. Punch, pin, a minute. Maddox is gone as quick as he arrived. He was pretty funny though.

Show gets on the microphone afterwards and starts to count Ryder out Last Man Standing style but storms out when the crowd give him the “What?” treatment.

Meanwhile, Maddox is backstage with his cameraman in Heyman’s dressing room. Paul looks ready to kill him. He takes him on as a client instead.

Ryback v Heath Slater

3MB don’t get an entrance, they just appear in the ring whilst air guitarring. This must continue forever. Slater gets about fifteen seconds of token offence. Spinebuster, clothesline, shellshock pin. During all of this, the other two lads came in and got ejected in short order.

Ryback cuts an awful promo threatening to win the Rumble and go on to main event Wrestlemania. Could you imagine?

Meanwhile, The Rock is still outside reasoning with the police. Vickie interrupts and asks Rock to apologise. “Apologies to you?” “DAMN RIGHT”. He runs her off again and hatches a secret plan with the cops.

CM Punk is out for a promo.The gist s that he’s earned the WWE Title which is a more prestigious honour than being the people’s champion. He made a decision a long time ago to eschew the fans’ love to focus on being the best. Rock will not beat him at the Rumble. Great promo, not what he said but how he said it.

Dolph Ziggler v The Miz in a Beat The Clock Match

Miz immediately hits a dropkick for two as they psychology is obvious here. Series of roll ups ends with the most poverty stricken Flair/Steamboat reversal spot in years. Dropkick from Ziggler gets two and into the chinlock. Double leg from Miz and he starts punching. He can’t even pretend to be a tough guy. He starts working the leg and sets up the figure four but gets kicked outside with eight minutes to go.

We come back from break with 3:30 left. Boo/Yay spot with Miz taking the boos. He actually fires up and gets the crowd into it. Corner clothesline gets two. Skull crushing finale sets up some reversals for two. Big DDT gets two for Ziggler but Miz gets the figure four. Oh dear god, that was the worst attempt at a figure four I’ve ever seen. I’ve seen Dusty Rhodes’ and Lex Luger’s versions and this is the single most pathetic try. Ziggler eventually gets the ZigZag and wins with :40 to go.

Miz is trying hard but his terrible skills keep holding him back. It was amazing how he could be so good at points in that match and repeatedly fuck up any goodwill he earned.

It’s an Anger Management graduation ceremony for Daniel Bryan and Kane. This is so campy. It’s glorious. Bryan looks like he’s about to crack up at any point. Inevitably they start arguing over who doesn’t get to talk. Shelby decides that everybody should hug. It breaks down into everyone in the building hugging. A fantastic, fantastic segment. It accomplished nothing.

Kaitlin v Alicia Fox.

Match fucking sucks. Kaitlin dives onto Alicia from the apron and squashes the shit out of her in a sloppy manner. Eventually she gets the win with her move.

Meanwhile, Heyman sends Punk up to a skybox to watch what he does in the ring next.

Paul Heyman is in the ring and cutting a promo. He puts Punk over as a great man. He suggests that Punk is too articulate for WWE audiences and will dumb his promo down acting as a dumbshit translator. Like the people, The Rock is stupid.

On cue, here comes The Rock brandishing a ticket. He chases Heyman from the ring and cuts his go-home promo for Sunday. He cuts one hell of an interview ending with the MLK “Free At Last” quote.

Lights go out, The Shield are in the ring beating the shit out of Rock. He tries to make a comeback but  gets overwhelmed. The triple powerbomb finishes the job as The Shield take their leave.

Punk then cuts his rebuttal form the skybox. You can have a dream but you have to wake up. There is one man on top of the mountain and the Great One just won’t be great enough. We go to break with Rock spitting blood out of his mouth. God damn, that was great. A money segment, that’ll sell some fucking buys for Sunday.

Sheamus v Wade Barrett in the final Beat The Clock match.

Thoughts on Ziggler cashing in his MITB on Sunday and then winning the Rumble?

Both guys starts with some roll ups. Sheamus with some power stuff and gets the Regal Roll for two. Barrett gets an arm breaker over the ropes and hits the sweetest clothesline over the top. Back from break with five minutes to go. Suplex gets two for Wade. Some arm related submissions but Sheamus fights out. He makes his usual comeback and gets the 10 clubs on the apron. He brings Barrett in the hard way for two. Series of reversals lead to Wade kicking Sheamus in the face with a thrust kick for two. Flying elbow gets two as he’s getting frustrated. Wasteland is reversed to White Noise but he doesn’t cover like a mug. Sheamus sets up the kick but AJ runs in to block. Barrett hits the Bossman Slam for two with 30 seconds to go. Both guys load up their finishes but Sheamus gets the kick with one second to go. Ziggler gets to pick his number for the Royal Rumble match on Sunday.

Backstage, Ziggler is bragging to Vickie that he’s gonna pick number 30. She informs him that he can only pick between numbers one and two. WHAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT OF THE WHOLE BEAT THE CLOCK THING THEN?

Meanwhile, Vince tells Punk and Heyman that if there’s interference on Sunday that he’ll strip him of the title. Vince was all over the place on his promo here.

Alberto Del Rio v Tensai

ADR’s pandering babyface act is creepy as fuck. Tensai hits two Vader Bombs for two.ADR gets a ran a from the second rope and hits a nice German suplex. Corner enzuigiri sets up a second rope moonsault for the pin. Lawler was fucking muck here, calling shit wrong left and right. Also, the moonsult barely grazed Tensai.

They announce Bob Backlund for the Hall of Fame with a great video! It showed his heel turn on Bret Hart in 1994 and title win at Survivor Series. I still love that Survivor Series logo, one of my favourite shows as a kid.

Cena is out for the annual Royal Rumble brawl I assume. Terrible, smiley promo. Sheamus comes out to interrupt and THE PRIMETIME PLAYERS come out to interrupt him “ain’t nobody got time for that”. Randy Orton out next, then The Miz, Kane and D Bryan argue about who’s gonna win, Cesaro out with a hilarious promo promising to dedicate his win to the United States. 3MB are out last to cut their promo and the ring fills up for the brawl. Of all the guys in there, I’m most excited for Jey Uso and Michael McGillicuddy.

SEE YOU ON SUNDAY!

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