TONIGHT: Rock comes back! Punk faces Ryback in a TLC match! Some shite comedy!
Hosted by Michael Cole and Jerry lawyer.
From Tampa, Florida.
John Cena is out to open the show this fine evening. They recap shit dropping on to AJ and Dolph as I thank god I missed the show.
It’s a special night he says. He bigs up the main event and The Rock’s return. He reaffirms that he’s entering the Rumble before Dolph Ziggler and his entourage interrupt him.
Dolph has a huge black eye for some reason. AJ brings up her stupid relationship with Cena again. She’s still angry and makes a dick joke. Cena starts the shitty comedy off and starts a Mexican Wave to celebrate the penis joke. Cena channels Dice Clay but Dolph calls him out for laughing off all of his losses. Apparently Dolph and the rest of the entrants won’t let Cena win again. More terrible humour from Cena. Cena finally issues a challenge but BIG E LANGSTON accepts instead! Oh wait, he accepted on behalf of Ziggler. Dolph is not happy. Cena looks old.
Dolph Ziggler v John Cena
Anyone else have no commentary? Armdrag city to open up. Ziggler does the unnessecary sit ups and Cena hits the facebuster. Front chancery in a delayed vertical suplex from Cena. Commentary is back. Dolph comes back with a Stinger Splash in the corner. Slingshot from Cena as the sound levels are all over the place. Big E punches Cena off a distraction. That gets two as we take a break.
Back with Cena in a chinlock. He does the headstand thing but Cena uses that to muscle out of it. He hits an appalling belly to belly but Dolph gets a dropkick off AJ’s distraction. She then slaps Cena in full view of the ref. Armstrong boots her and BG E as a result. Cena starts his comeback but walks into the fameasser for two. Cena gets the back suplex and five knuckle shuffle. FU is reversed to a ZigZag for two. Superkick is reversed in to the FU which is reversed in to the jumping DDT for TWO. Ziggler up top but gets caught and FU’d. NO, superkick for TWO! Some great near falls here. Dolph pounds away on Cena. Boo/Yay spot. Sleeper from Ziggler. Cena throws him off but bumps the referee. STF brings out BIG E again and he hits his finisher thing and puts Ziggler on top. New ref runs in and counts to two. Cena immediately hits the FU and gets three. Odd finish but solid match. Dolph’s tour of jobbing continues. You should have seen Dolph’s sad fan outside.
Eve v Kaitlin for the title.
The announcers are saying that it’s the final match in the feud. Most likely this is untrue. No entrance for poor Kaitlin. Eve with a headlock takeover, reversed into a headscissors reversed into a leg lock. Kaitlin uses a cool escape to get out and Eve begs off in the corner. Eve attacks from behind as my heart might not stand up to the shock of that. Rear chancery from Eve. Kaitlin hits a side slam in a clear tribute to Dino Bravo. Reverse DDT gets two. Eve bails a few times but gets thrown back in. She finally jumps the rail and gets willingly counted out. Kaitlin is lovely.
I am fine with this first 45 minutes. Two good matches and only one shitty interview segment.
Santino meets with Ricky Steamboat backstage but Barrett interrupts and lays the badmouth on both lads. End result is Steamboat cornering Santino later on.
Randy Orton tells Matt Striker that he’s going to win the Rumble. #3MB interrupts. THEY will enter and go on to Wrestlemania. It’s Heath Slater and Randy Orton later on. Randy suggests that Slater won’t be playing guitar after their match, he’ll just be playing the harp. What?
Team Hell No v Team Rhodes Scholars
Low dropkick to Sandow. Move always makes me laugh. Bryan in with some arm related offense. Rhodes back in and eats some YES kicks. Corner dropkick misses and Cody gets the Hardcore Holly boot. Heels with some quick tags and generic heel attacks. I mean that in the nicest way. ELBOW OF DISTAIN from Sandow. Bryan fights out of a chinlock and gets the tag to Kane.Kane stumbles on top but they improvise really well and he gets the clothesline. Real smooth there. Kane signals for the chokeslam but Sandow bails. Bryan flies off the apron with the elbow however. Some more YES kicks but Bryan lands funny on his knee and the heels have a target. Kane runs in, gets booted out and Cody hits his finish for three. No real heat segment but the work was solid enough.
Randy “Heel” Orton v Heath Slater
Randy finishes with the usual in three minutes. Slater hit the corner neck breaker at one point for a good near fall. Orton beats the rest of the lads up after the match too.
Wade Barrett v Santino Marella w/Ricky Steamboat
Total comedy to start with Barrett not taking any of Santino’s bullshit. Floatover suplex gets two and into the chinlock. Santino’s singlet don’t fit no more. Pumphandle slam is reversed into a Marella superkick. Cobra attempt gets thwarted and Barrett hits the elbow for three. Barrett tries to sneak attack Steamboat afterwards but gets busted and begs off.
Sheamus is backstage having a laugh about winning the title in 18 seconds last Wrestlemania. He takes the piss out of #3MB afterwards. Useless segment.
Antonio Cesaro v The Great Khali
Miz is on commentary. Hate. Khali with some chops in the corner and biers Cesaro back in. Miz is literally the same character as a face s he’s been as a heel. The most annoying man. Cesaro chop blocks Khali. It’ll be better if Khali is down. Cesaro has to run into Khali so he’ll reach him with his chops. Some uppercuts from Cesaro to set up THE NEUTRALISER. DAYUM. I know it was the same thing as Main Event but about three people seen it the first time.
Paul Heymas is backstage having an awkward chat with Brad Maddox. It was actually pretty good.
TOO MANY LIMES. WHOOOOAAAAA.
Sheamus v Jinder Mahal
Sheamus just kicks Mahal in the ass. Slater is blatantly trying to keep a straight face. Sheamus is playing this for comedy. It’s actually glorious. Mahal takes over after some #3MB outside interference. Neckbreaker gets two and hit the chinlock. Comeback from Sheamus, Brogue Kick o each guy and its over.
“Theme From A Cage Lowering” takes us to break. The main event is next.
CM Punk v Ryback in a TLC match for the WWE Title
Cham enters first because why the fuck not? How worrying is it that RYBACK is in a ladder match on live television. All it takes is one Ricky Steamboat bump and you lose your Rumble main event.
Ryback clobbers away to start. “Goldberg” seems to be really over according to the fans. Punk nails Ryback with a chair and gets double legged in response. Some more chairs to the body from Punk. He has 1,000 ladders in the aisle. Of course he gets one from under the ring. Ryback hits a delayed vertical suplex on the ladder. Fuck. Ryback then nails Punk with the steps. He misses a second try and Punk uses it as a springboard for a high kick. More chair shots from Punk as we go to break.
We’re back with a double down. First table pulled out by Ryback. He sets it up Taz style on the barricade but Punk hits another chair shot. Ryback hip tosses Punk over the announce table and starts dismantling it. Back in and Punk goes for the legs. Both announcers are standing up as their monitors are out. Punk misses a Pillmaniser and Ryback starts hitting his comeback. Meathook clothesline sets up the Shellshock. but Punk bails. Ryback chases and Punk baits him into spearing the aforementioned Taz style table.
Punk climbing but Ryback pushes him off. Ryback climbs and Punk pushes him off. Ryback press slams Punk into the ladder as its leaning against the ropes. Disgusting. It’s broke as fuck. Punk tries to corner knee but eats table outside instead! Great spot! Ryback gets a replacement ladder and climbs. The lights go out when he touches the belt. When they come back The Shield start fucking him up! Some chair shots on Ryback. Then they triple powerbomb him on a table that’s on the steps. FUCK.
Punk slinks back in and starts climbing. He’s SLOOWWLY getting there and starts gloating. He gets the belt and it’s over. Poor Ryback. Back to the midcard. Heyman’s mock tears are glorious. The Ryback table spot was BRUTAL.
Backstage after the match, Punk says he’ll come out for a promo.
Also, Kane and Daniel Bryan are arguing. Vickie interrupts and says that DR. SHELBY is coming back next week! YAY!
Kofi Kingston v Big Show in a special “Time Filling” match.
With 30 minutes to go, CM Punk comes out for what I assume with be a quick enough promo.
He takes the WWE logo off the microphone to start. He wants to tell us something personal. No one understands what a pipe bomb interview is. It’s truth, honesty. The perception is that he aired his grievances in Vegas. The perception that he turned his back on the fans is a lie. He sold out to the fans. He created his rebel anti hero persona to pander to the fans. In WWE it doesn’t matter how good you are, you aren’t allowed break the glass ceiling. It’s a popularity contest. It’s why a submission wizard like Daniel Bryan has to resort to catchphrases. Why Brodus Clay dances, why Truth talks to an imaginary chid, why Tyson Kidd doesn’t get ring time.
Hulk, Bruno et al had it easy with their one night a week. He is successful in spite of the fans’ cheers. He bitches out the wrestlers that ‘do it for the people’. He seen the Piper coconut angle and didn’t want to sports entertain. Flair, Edge and HBK will say they did it for the fans. They’re either weak or liars.
Punk is not a liar, he is the best in the world. There are two types of people, winners and losers. Guess which he is. Punk gets told to wrap it up. He shan’t go to break when the truck says so. He’s ranting about how the fans don’t matter when they just go to break anyway. Awesome.
We’re back with Punk in the ring and telling us that he’ll still be champion next year. He won’t let The Rock take his achievement away from him. He lays out who he beat during this title reign and suggests that he also beat the system. The fans are losers who do not get to win.
HERE COMES THE ROCK. THREE HOURS INTO THE SHOW!
He’s fucking gigantic. He calls Punk delusional. He keeps mentioning 414 days but in 20 days, time is up. You wanted change, you wanted revolution? You didn’t reject the people, they rejected you. You couldn’t provide ice cream bars. He makes a joke that Cole and Lawler fake laugh at. Rock wants Punk to listen to the voices. There is no voiceless, just voices. He gets the fans to chant Cookiepuss. What? Punk rightfully destroys that. The fans don’t get to win, The Rock doesn’t get to win.
Rock talks about how everybody wins because he did a tweet, hit the gym and drove here. Finally he’s come back to Tampa. He’s back to entertain, to stop CM Punk and to win the title after 10 years. He’s been watching Punk and wants him to shut up. He compares Punk to Popeye on crack. He says that Punk has a great mind but he’s become a huge jerk. Don’t say the fans don’t matter, he doesn’t matter. Punk tires to cut him off but gets hit with ‘It Doesn’t Matter’.
Punk lays the belt down and stares Rock down. He doesn’t care about Rock’s schedule. He’ll still kick his ass. Regardless of how hard his career is outside of WWE, Punk will still kick his ass. Rock’s arms are just too short to box with God. Rock says he knows how bad Punk is. He got dropped with a GTS last time he was here. He makes some more jokes and tells Punk he’ll need to think about how bad his ass is to be kicked at the Rumble. He Rock Bottoms the shit out of Punk and we are out. Great segment.