TONIGHT! It’s The Slammy Awards! I’m impressed that they managed to channel “Feed Me More” chants into the opening video package.
Your hosts are John “Bradshaw” Layfield, Michael Cole and Jerry “The King” Lawler.
Rey Mysterio v Damien Sandow
JBL’s face while The King is explaining technology is so funny. Sandow starts out by sliding Rey out and throwing him to the post. Russian legsweep and ELBOW OF DISTAIN gets two. Superplex attempt is fought off by Rey. He hits the Thesz press and spinning head scissors. Somersault neck breaker by Sandow as I’m trying to remember who did it before. Mysterio trips him into the ropes as I’m wondering aloud. 619 and splash get the clean pin. Nice TV opener. JBL ”i’ve been there before, he has the glide path of a sofa.”
Cole: How many Slammys have you won JBL?
JBL: I’ve been WWE Champion.
Buried the show. Awesome.
First award is the “Tell Me I Did Not Just See That. award.” The fucking BOOGEYMAN comes out to co-present as Booker looks worried. He pulls out the worms as we go to break. Marty Wright is the most excitable human being on this planet.
We come back and he’s gone. Good money if you can make it. Brad Maddox jumps the gun as Kofi wins for his crazy Royal Rumble handstand save.
Eve v Kaitlin.
No entrance for either. Kaitlin is wearing a camo top but I can still see her giant tits. Eve hits some cheap shots while shouting “My face!” She should never lose the title. Kaitlin hits her gutbuster for three after a minute or so. She does the photo gimmick afterwards.
New Age Outlaws are out to present the “Comeback of the Year” award. JBL starts putting over Billy Gunn saying he should be in the ring as opposed to presenting. NOPE. Dogg does his schtick as the crowd sing along. Lawler wins for his comeback from the dead. Fair enough really.
Kofi Kingston v Tensai
Kofi does the funniest abridged version of his entrance. They have no time like, you can just walk and wave sure. Tensai with some elbows for two. Headbutts in the corner as this is pretty brisk for a Tensai match. Bling charge misses and Kofi gets the kick for the win. Why even put this on? Wade Barrett runs in afterwards and hits the Bullhammer on the floor. That’s why it was on. Poor Tensai.
Vickie is out to present “Kiss of the Year.” The highlights of AJ and Daniel Bryan’s relationship are hilarious. The nominees are Aj & John Cena, Daniel Bryan, Kane and CM Punk with is pretty funny.
AJ and John Cena win the award. “I don’t owe anyway an explanation!” Yay! Vickie and AJ are about to Jerry Springer the heads off each other but Dolph comes out playing the role of Steve. AJ kisses him as Vickie screams. All angles all the time.
Great Khali v David Otunga
Khali looks like he can barely move. He does some chops. Misses the slowest blind charge of all time and gets stomped. Otunga works over the legs but walks into a bog boot. Khali chop gets three. Natalya dances with him afterwards. Literally a time waster.
DID THEY JUST HAVE RIC FLAIR DO A VOICEOVER? THE FUCK?
Superstar of the Year nominees are Cena, Show, Sheamus and Punk.
YES, it’s RIC FLAIR out to present the award! He soaks up the applause for a while as the fans are whooping and cheering. Cena wins and the fans boo like crazy. He thanks the fans for all the noise they’re making. He hands the award over the Flair hand walks off. Punk then interrupts on his crutches. He is quite unhappy that Cena won. He cuts a coked out promo on Flair and Cena outlining how shitty Cena’s year. Flair suggests that Punk can’t party because he can’t walk. He’s being pretty cool showing his two Hall of Fame rings, his Rolex and bitches out his four wives. Punk wants to fight so Flair strips his jacket off and hits the ring. We go to break as Punk is coming down to the ring with Heyman protesting.
We’re back with Punk climbing into the ring. Punk attacks Flair with his crutches straight away and does the strut. Flair pokes him in the eye, trips Heyman and figure fours him! The fans are going nuts as his music plays. Great fucking segment. He gets on the mic and puts over Jerry Lawler. He said he told Vince that he wants to die either in the ring or on a woman from right here in Philidelphia. The X Rated Mick Foley. He’s interrupted by The Shield and invites them to come down to the ring.
We come back from break and Team Hello No are fighting with Flair against The Shield. Ambrose knocks Flair down and they start their double team on Kane. They prep the announce table and start pounding on Flair outside. Triple power bomb is interrupted by The Ryback. He starts whooping on everyone as Kane and Bryan wake up. Rollins gets press slammed on to the table and The Heels bail. Flair stands tall with Ryback, Kane and Bryan as the segment ends.
That had the fingerprints of Paul Heyman all over it.
Flair, Kane and Bryan have a Yes/No/Whoo off after the break. They’re interrupted by Ron Simmons. DAMN.
Brodus Clay v JTG
Usual stuff to start. JTG manages to land the worst Buff Blockbuster of all time. Avalanche, T-Bone, headbutt, splash. Another time filler but I wasn’t expecting Flair/Steamboat after the last segment.
Santino and Tensai are out to present the “LOL moment of the Year.” Santino calls Tensai ‘Albert’ TWICE. Santino blames it on the teleprompter. “There is no teleprompter.”
The Rock wins the award but Santino accepts as he’s not here. Bryan comes out and says no repeatedly until Kane pulls him off. That was pretty fucking funny all things considered. This gets my WWE Comedy Seal of Approval.
Sin Cara v Cody Rhodes.
They’re under the Sin Cara lights. Cara gets the Tajiri elbow and the jumping arm drag. He hits a tope but gets jumped on the way back in. Delayed front suplex gets two. Chinlocks etc for a while. Sin Cara kicks him and gets the springboard dropkick. Rana sets up something. Something gets countered into Cross Rhodes. Boom.
Zack Ryder and Layla are out to present #Trending Now of the Year. Layle believes that we ‘interreact’ with each other using social media. God bless her. Winner is Ryback. Ryder says he’ll give it to him backstage.
Big Show is out with his giant chair. He suggests that he’s the most dominant champion in WWE history. The fans chant boring and Show just enjoys it. Sheamus out to interrupt. *Don’t make jokes, don’t make jokes, don’t make jokes.* He puts over Big Show for beating him. He shakes Show’s hand and the fans actually cheer. “Now, get to the back of the line, you potato eating Irishman.” I’m proper laughing here. Show’s timing there was amazing. Sheamus attacks and levels Show with the huge chair. Four shots with the chair and one Brogue Kick. NO JOKES FROM SHEAMUS! Too many fucking limes.
WAIT, Ziggler tries to cash in! He hands the case to the referee but Cena attacks. UUUGGGHHH. The fans are so unhappy. That was quite uncalled for.
3MB are out here at the top of the hour. Really? Del Rio comes out and high fives ONE FAN as he got out of his car. SUPERFACE.
Dolph looks for Vickie to complain about Cena. He’s unhappy about AJ helping him last night and kissing him tonight. He dumps Vickie. She sets up AJ and Dolph v Cena and herself. HHORSEMAN BEATDOWN ON CENA COMING UP.
3MB v The Miz, Alberto Del Rio and Tommy Dreamer
Wait, what? Dreamer? Oh yeah, Philly. That’s hoew you do an ECW tribute. Not with a whole fucking show of guys in their prime in 1995 but with a one shot cameo making ONE GUY look good.
ADR starts with Drew. When did Jack Doan shave his head bald? JBL mentions that Drew is a fan of Glasgow Rangers who went broke this year. The ‘RA will have him knees for that.
Dreamer and Slater are in next. He gets a flapjack and a six man brawl breaks out. Tope from Del Rio, baseball slide from Miz and a fucking PLANCHA from the post by Dreamer. He did not soar in any way, shape or form. Miz hits his corner clothesline but gets dumped via Mahal. Lawler is making fucking hilarious puns about what bands he was in when he was younger. Drew gets the chinlock. Why don’t guys cover the arms with their legs on sunset flips anymore? Chinlock from Mahal now. Miz fights out and gets his neck breaker. He tries for the hot (?) tag but Slater saves using a GATOR ROLL! The heels are blind tagging and doing all sorts of hellish tag shenanigans as the crowd are getting into it. Slowly but still. Ricardo starts playing cheerleader and Del Rio gets the non hot tag.He hits a backbreaker and a super kick while slater was on his knees! He misses the armbar but gets the cover kick instead. He tags in Dreamer who hits the DDT for three. Slater took the cool RVD bomb as well. That heat segment went on for approximately ten years.
Sheamus is out to present newcomer of the year. Ryback wins for nearly killing Ricky Steamboat in 2010. He mentions Owen Hart in his promo! All is forgiven my friend!
Ryback v Antonio Cesaro
Cesaro says the voting was rigged and he was the true newcomer of the year. They start out quick and Ryback gets the Thesz press. Cesaro hits the uppercut to the back of the head. Suplex os reversed to a delayed version by Ryback. Blind charge misses and Cesaro hits an awesome double leg slam. Ryback reverses the Neutraliser and sets up the meathook. Cesaro bails however. It was a three minute match and it was GOOD. I have no issues with that finish. Both guys looked good here.
‘Mean’ Gene Okerlund, Ricky Steamboat and Jim Ross are out to present Match of the Year. Steamboat says he won it on a few occasions. Is this the Observer awards or something? Nominees are Undertaker v HHH, Brock Lesnar v John Cena, Sheamus v Big Show at Hell in a Cell and Rock v Cena.
Taker v HHH wins! Honestly thought it was gonna be worked for Cena v Rock to help set up next year. HHH is out with his shaved head to accept. He remembers winning it in 1997 for Best Hair. He pauses for a “We Want Taker” chant and then moves on with his life. Her calls the match magical and puts over Michales and Undertaker. He calls Undertaker the benchmark of the business. “Thank You Hunter” chant. He thanks them instead. He pretty much confirms that Undertaker will be back for Mania this year.
Backstage The Shield are whooping Tommy Dreamer. Ricardo Rodriguez tries to save but gets fucked up as well. Tommy’s girlish screams are hilarious.
AJ is out and gets some stagehands to set up a ladder. It’s a big one as well. She clubs it and cuts a promo. Usual “Why?” heel turn promo. Vickie interrupts.
AJ and Dolph Ziggler v John Cena and Vickie Guerrero.
Dolph is so annoyed about earlier that he stops to do his hip swivel at the top of the ramp. He does it ANGRILY though.
The fans chant “Ziggler’s Better.” The fans are also whooing after every move. Some chain wrestling to start which Cena gets the better of with a back suplex. AJ comes in and Vickie attacks. A lot of hair pulling. Their posture in guard is appalling. AJ bails so we’re back to the guys. Vickie then bails as well.
Reversal sequence ends with the jumping DDT from Ziggler. Five elbows get two. Superkick ois reversed to the STF. AJ comes back out with BIG E LANGSTON! He hits Cena with the Vader attack and his weird sideslam move as we go off the air. I’m disappointed he didn’t do the five count gimmick. They have a history as he was training in Cena’s gym in the run up to Wrestlemania. The promos next week will be awesome. “I can’t believe it man, I used to spot you”. “I don’t need no spotter man”.