TLC: Total Lolstop Caction 2012.
LIVE from the Barclays Centre in Brooklyn, New York.
Rey Mysterio & Sin Cara v Team Rhodes Scholars in a table match. Winners become number one contenders for the tag titles.
Sin Cara ain’t got no pyro no more. *Geordie Shore Hand Signal.* The heels cut a hilarious promo discussing the merits of Brooklyn hipsters. The crowd went ape as soon as Sandow’s music hit. *Cody’s Moustache – clapclapclapclap.*
Faces attack to start and hit Poetry in Motion on Sandow. The dump him and hit stereo baseball slides. Mysterio, GET THE TABLEZZZZZZ. Cody takes a table to the face as does Sandow. Faces try to table Sandow but Rhodes saves. Mysterio takes his amazing sliding bump outside. Double front suplex is reversed by Sin Cara and he gets the springboard arm drag. He walks into a disaster kick however.
The heels fuck up Sin Cara’s leg in a creative spot outside as the match gets kind of awkward. *Cody’s Moustache – clapclapclapclap.* Heels set up two tables together in the aisle as things are looking up. Mysterio ran as Cody out and follows with a Thesz press off the apron. His knees are visibly in pain. Rey gets the 619 on Cody and sets him up on the table. Sandow crotches him on the top and they just hammer Rey with the table like it’s WWF No Mercy. Sin Cara saves but telegraphs a springboard. DAYUM! As Sin Cara lands on the top rope, Cody shoves him off into the tables on the floor! Spectacular finish to the match. Disappointed they didn’t go with Royal Rumble 2000 rules but whatever.
Sandow starts doing cartwheels in the ring as the fans cheer each time. A great, great man.
Long Shield NWO promo. Already paid for the match, thanks.
Antonio Cesaro v R-Truth for the US Title. I have recapped this match 800 times or so in the last three weeks. Truth is probably winning as he’s firing up the crowd like nobody’s business. No stupid Little Jimmy shit either. Some standard highspots to start. Truth hits the same roll up he won with on Raw but only for two. Back suplex and the neck crack from Cesaro. Chinlock from Cesaro as the commentators talk about Swiss banks, the Cayman Islands and Lawler’s legendary habits of keeping huge sums of cash around the house. To all four buckles as Truth is hulking up. Lie Detector and Ax Kick get two for Truth. Suplex is reversed in to the BOLO UPPERCUT and Neutraliser. Cesaro retains. Finish was pretty abrupt, was Truth hurt?
Antonio cuts the usual anti US interview afterwards. He’s the best US Champion is history, therefore the fans are booing their own country. No respect for their own country, citizens or themselves. Then he speaks a bit of French. GREAT.
Ziggler interview. He’s not happy that he has to defend his briefcase tonight. He suggests that Cena put his career on the line. Or maybe Cena will fall apart professionally as he watches Dolph dominate the future. He said everything will change tonight.
The Miz is out in a suit. Oh it’s an interview on the wrestling show I paid money to watch. He brings out the #3MB. They’re just so outlandish. Jinder Mahal in studded leather pants and a turban makes me laugh every time. Cole: “Jinder plays the air sitar”. Jez Torrent from Love Fist makes fun of Jay Z as the Miz does his stupid ‘really’ thing. They start on the Spanish announcers for some reason. They speak American in this country. Ricardo Rodriguez comes out to save and gets bullied. ALBERTO DEL RIO then seemingly turns face by knocking the bollocks out of 3MB. The rockers gang up on ADR but Miz saves. 3MB challenge Miz and Alberto to find a partner for later on. “SI, SI, SI”. Also, “We Want Ryder”.
Kane and Daniel Bryan. Bryan is embracing YES again. Therefore he’s officially a face.
Meanwhile Wade Barrett s confident tonight. He’s an awesome promo. Even when there’s nothing to say, he says it really fucking well.
Wade Barrett v Kofi Kingston for the Intercontinentasl Title.
The show seems to be set up for heel wins. This looks like the best bet for an upset.
Usual highspots from Kofi to begin here. Barrett catches him with a clothesline over the top in a real nice spot. Nicer still was the diver Kofi hit afterwards. He got whipped towards the apron, rolled into the ring and did a dive outside in one motion. The cool move means nothing as Wade immediately hits a pumphandle slam and a Billy Robinson backbreaker. Such a simple move but no one uses it anymore. Kofi fights out of a chinlock but walks into the tiltawhirl backbreaker. Top rope elbow gets two and chinlock time again.Kofi makes his comeback and hits the Boom Drop. He misses the kick but gets two off the SOS. Good spot there. Barrett reverses something into a spinning full nelson slam. Kofi’s AJ Styles corner kick sets up the cross body. Barrett rolls through for two. Bossman slam gets two as well. Good near falls there. Barrett sets up the BULHAMMER but Kofi hits the kick! Kofi retains. Good match, too short to be much. Some great spots though as both guys have been great lately.
Punk promo from “his own personal skybox”. He has an amazing tshirt. KNEES 2 FACES. The fans are animals. Brooklyn is the slums of Staten Island. Ryback AND the fans don’t understand what it’s like to be a champion. Y’all dumb. Ryback is dumb and lucky. Lucky to have injured CM Punk before their title match. “I would have laughed as he clumsily climbed a ladder so I could push him off.” The Shield who he is a fan of but not affiliated with shall beat Ryback tonight.
THE SHIELD (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns) v Kane, Daniel Bryan and THE RYBACK in a 6 man Tables, Ladders and Chairs match. One fall wins this.
Daniel Bryan is BELOVED. He’s trying his hardest not to smile as the fans are screaming for him. The Shield enter through the crowd. Theme music by Genericallica. HUGE brawl to start as this is gonna be rough to keep up with. Ryback no sells Ambrose’s chops and gets a Thesz press. He’s busted open above the eyebrow straight away. No sympathy. The Shield are group fucking everyone as soon as they get an advantage. Triple team ladder clothesline to Bryan. Ryback just starts demolishing Ambrose and Rollins with the ladder. Reigns interrupts with a chair but Kane comes back on him. Bryan with the Yes kicks in the corner and Reigns gets sent in to the ladder. Corner dropkick against the ladder gets two. Kane destroys Rollins with a chair and ladder. Ambrose cuts him off with a DDT on the chair. Ryback starts ramming everyone into the corner but gets overwhelmed and hit him with a ladder too. Simple story so far as The Shield are overmatched individually but THEY’RE A TEAM and therefore are better in this here tag team match.
Ryback gets an avalanche on Rollins and Ambrose against the ladder. Double suplex by Ryback onto the ladder. Ambrose’s selling is so awesome. He’s a future superstar. Heels take over on Ryback again using weapons. Reigns wants the Spanish announce table. “GET UP FOOLS. THIS IS MY TABLE NOW!” Triple power bomb through the table on Ryback. Bryan hits a tope as the fans go berserk for everything he does. Kane arrives over as well. Unsafe looking body slam on a chair from Ambrose to Bryan back inside. Table set up by the heels on the top rope ala Benoit v Sullivan from the Great American Bash 1996. Bryan gets run into it and set up on top. DOUBLE SUPERPLEX OFF THE TABLE! It gets two as Kane saves the day. Then they take over on Kane. They set him up for the superplex as well but Kane fights off. Rollins to the floor and Kane hits Ambrose with the clothesline. Sideslam on Reigns gets two. Chokeslam through a chair on Ambrose gets two. That looked like it sucked a cock. Reigns then spears Kane through the barricade outside and they bury him under the remnants of the announce table. Yes Lock inside by Bryan but he gets triple teamed as well.They set the fucking broken chair up again and Rollins stomps his head onto it. Ryback saves and the crowd boos. Then they chant feed me more once he starts doing cool moves. He dumps Rollins and press slams Ambrose on to him. Reigns gets spinebustered, Ambrose saves but gets eaten alive as a result. Meathook and Shellshock only gets two as the heels run in again. This is the best fun. Just all action, all the time. Ryback dives at Reigns in the aisle and knocks the furniture set up over. The fans are chanting “This is awesome.” And it is.
Heels are just lashing Ryback out of it with chairs in the aisle way. They set him up on a table next to the biggest prop ladder. It’s 20 fucking rungs high. Rollins prepares to dive from rung 10. Ryback chases him however and throws him from rung 20 through 4 tables. Back inside Reigns and Ambrose find Bryan alone. Top rope double power bomb through a table gets the win. Rollins looked like he got fucked up bad on the ladder spot. Ridiculous match. I’m no good with star ratings but this gets 6,000 stars.
How better to follow that than with the fucking Divas title match.
Eve v Naomi for the Divas belt.
Naomi is pretty good actually as she has all these cool athletic moves. She dumps Eve then does the fucking sluttiest dance of all time in the ring. Naomi hits a jumping huricanrana and spinning heel kick in the corner!. Cross body misses and neck breaker finishes for Eve. Not sure if that was the best time to debut your most athletic offence as no one in the crowd gave a flying fuck.
Big Show v Sheamus in a CHAIRS MATCH
Fucking stupid idea for a match. At least put it on a pole or something. Bit of drama like. Also, two matches to go after this. So the main event is either the briefcase match or the 3MB match. What a fucking night it would be if Heath Slate and Jinder Mahal headlined a PPV.
TOO MANY LIMES. WHOOOOAAAAA.
They are making the chair seem relevant as both guys are struggling to use it. JBL references Leinster and Munster losing this weekend. Show kicks a chair into Sheamus’ face and chops the shit out of him outside. Flying shoulder block from the apron by Sheamus. What the fuck was Show doing outside for so long? Clothesline for Show back inside. Would there be a DQ if they used a ladder or table? Sheamus gets five chairshots and hits a body slam for two. Drama of the chair? Gone. Top tope shoulderblock with the chair hits. A second one is countered with a spear. Some chairshots from Big Show outside. He tells the fans they suck while also letting about 300ml of spit out of his mouth. Slugfest and Sheamus gets the better of it. He runs right into a chokeslam for two. Fans chanting OLE for some reason. El Generico? GSP? Jack Charlton?
Show throws three chairs inside and hits a Vader Bomb on Sheamus using one. He gets two off that and sets up a wacky, contrived table. Sheamus counters the chokeslam with White Noise through the chairs! It gets two! Great near fall! He sets up the kick but gets hung up on the ropes. Knockout punch gets two! Double down and the fans are finally into it. Show takes out a gigantic chair like something out of Super Mario Brothers 3: World 4. He fucking levels Sheamus with it and gets three. Good match as the streak is still alive. No Ziggler. Fuck.
Meanwhile, Cena meets with AJ. She apologies but she’s still clearly crazy as fuck. she looks pretty good wearing his merch.
3MB (Heath Slater, Drew McIntyre and Jinder Mahal) v The Miz, Alberto Del Rio and the fucking Brooklyn Brawler.
Yeah, Steve Lombardi gets a PPV payoff. Zack Ryder, JTG, The Colons, The Usos, Tyson Kidd and Justin Gabriel are all delighted to not get on television. Also, for all the depth issues the company has, they don’t exactly help themselves sometimes.
The fans go crazy for Del Rio’s ring introduction now that they’re allowed to do it.
JBL references Kim Chee, Doink and Abe Knuckleball Schwartz in quick order. Del Rio hits a tope, Miz hits his finish and Brawler gets a Boston Crab for the submission win. This was Brawler’s Make-A-Wish.
This kind of took the steam off Del Rio’s face turn.
John Cena v Dolph Ziggler for the briefcase.
They’re focusing on the terrible AJ/Cena angle in the pre match video. This, this will be a letdown.
Cena is booed. Ziggler is cheered. Still hate heels getting out of the ring so faces can do their video game posing. Also Ziggler is the champion, should be out second.
Ziggler is visibly psyched for his biggest match to date. They circle and lock up here in the ladder grudge match. “Let’s go Ziggler” chants. You know it’s killing Dolph to be doing simple highspots when the ladders are RIGHT THERE. Cena gets all his shit in early. He hits the fucking most dangerous monkey flip out of the corner. Dolph wanted to take his 450 bump but Cena fucked it up in such a way that he twisted his knees off instead. Cena gets the ladder but gets the contractually mandated ladder match baseball slide. Ziggler sets it up but Cena spears it into his face. Cena is busted open either above or below the eye. Cena runs the steps into Ziggler’s head. Ziggler decided to take it on his head as Chris Nowinski is already cutting up his brain in his mind’s eye. There’s a table set up in the ring with the ladder. They do the boo/yay spot after something like five minutes. Sleeper by Ziggler as Lawler calls Brooklyn a “tough crowd.” No shit. Cena climbs the ladder with Ziggler on his back. They then fall off the ladder sideways into the table. Cena landed poorly. Dolph’s leg is all fucked up.
Ziggler climbs but Cena picks it up in FU position with Ziggler still on it. He escapes though and Cena gets his shoulderblocks. STF and Ziggler makes the ropes. He also taps. Cena waits until he stops moving and releases the hold. Dolph blocks Cena getting the ladder from the apron but gets caught coming in. He counters the FU into the ZigZag as this is becoming an overly rehearsed spotfest with video game reversals. Compare and contrast with The Shield match which was just a scary, intense brawl.
FU is reversed again but into a DDT this time. Ziggler gets the next sized ladder (10 rungs). Him and Cena brawl on top. Ziggler gets dumped with a headbutt and Cena gets close to the case. Ziggler saves and runs Cena into the standing ladder. Ziggler waits too long and Cena hits a standing hurricanrana into a corner table. That looked appalling. Cena’s execution is horrible but his sense of timing and drama is awesome. Ziggler does a running dropkick on Cena as they call spots openly on the ground.
Cena fires up and tries a top rope rana but gets pushed off. Cena does the deadlift spot off the cross body. Ziggler grabs a chair and waylays him though. These counters are really annoying as I’m dying for something to actually hit without a wacky double reverse set up. Cena ducks a super kick and hits the FU but Ziggler rolls out. Vickie runs out with a chair but AJ interrupts by hitting her with all Cena’s comeback spots. Cena climbs but she pushes the ladder over and he bumps on the ropes and walks into s superkick. She just smiles at a confused Ziggler. He climbs and gets the case. Most interesting thing after the match is the girl with a sign in the crowd saying “SHAKE IT DOLPH.”
Cena then fucking chuckles to himself as the show goes off the air. ACT ANNOYED FOR FUCK SAKE!
Overall, a pretty great show. All good matches and The Shield match was fucking amazing. Buy the replay or stream it or whatever. Well worth your time and money.
It’s 4am. It’s bedtime.
Thanks for reading! Be back tomorrow with Raw.