RAW! 10/12/12

We open with Ziggler already in the ring. He’s hanging out on a ladder cutting a promo on John Cena. He jobs Cena out for losing his Money in the Bank attempt. He’s gong to be the coal in Cena’s stocking and shut him up once and for all. Ziggler threatens to cash in his briefcase after the match on Sunday. They’re making it specific that he has to cash it on on Big Show as opposed to on Punk. It could be setting up a swerve if Cena wins but whatever. They make the rules as they go along anyway.

Sheamus interrupts as they show his contract signing with Big Show from Smackdown. They show Sheamus trying to get at Show with Show doing the fucking funniest Irish dance taunting him. I’m actually still laughing.

Sheamus makes fun of Ziggler’s height on the ladder. Apparently Ziggler will have to cash in on Sheamus after he beats the Big Show. Also he doesn’t think that Ziggler will win. He suggests that Sheamus v John Cena will happen down the line for the title.

Show interrupts now as this is becoming the usual parody of itself. Show would love to punch Sheamus in his “ignorant Irish immigrant” face but he can’t due to the no contact clause. Emoticon sad face. He asks Dolph to try cash in after he knocks Cena out tonight. Sheamus asks Show where his Christmas spirit is and makes some shitty jokes. Sheamus then dumps Ziggler off the ladder who takes the Shawn Michaels groin bump.  That looked horrifying.

Meanwhile, Vince McMahon is strolling backstage. He’s out next. Remember when showing someone walking backstage before their segment was new? I remember that it was a joke reading CRZ recaps in 1999 for god sake. The show’s feel is beyond stale at this point.

Back with Wade Barrett in the ring with Antonio Cesaro and Kofi Kingston on commentary. Vince as foretold by the god’s interrupts. He does a funny walk on stage.  He brings out Vickie for some reason. Vince goads her into making Ziggler v Sheamus tonight. Vickie looks horrified as they keep the Dolph/Vickie breakup angle going. Also we have Vickie v AJ lee. Vince milks the response and says “It’s time to tell the Truth!”

Wade Barrett v R-Truth.

Wade throws Truth outside and starts mean mugging Kingston at ringside. “What’s up WILDCAT?” Awesome. Some choking and assorted punch/kicks from Barrett. Chinlock as Kingston is terrible on commentary. Pumphandle slam is escaped, Truth hits the ropes and does a running victory roll for three.  Kofi jumps Barrett with a cross body off the top after the match. Not a big fan of that to be honest. Too much shit going on.

They show the cover of the Attitude Era dvd. It looks awesome! They’ve done a Sgt. Pepper knockoff with DX spray paint over the F in the WWF logo. That’s actually in your face and surprisingly subtle at the same time.

Meanwhile AJ is going crazy backstage. Just hugging everyone and talking a mile a minute. She runs into the men’s locker room and Cena is now openly embarrassed by her. Her character is really inconsistent at this point.

The Usos v The Primetime Players v Primo and Epico v Team Rhodes Scholars.Winning team takes on Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara in a tables match at TLC on Sunday. THAT match will be for the number one contendership. Too convoluted? Rhodes has grown an awesome 1920s movie villain moustache. Such cheap heat

Usos and Colons do some double team stuff ending with a Downward Spiral/Spinkick combo. Colons take over on the Usos as we’re just slowly making our way to the break. Usos make a comeback and hit the top rope splash for the pin? What? Oh it’s elimination rules.

Titus comes in with a hilariously hard clothesline and barks us to a break.

We’re back and the Primetime Players have been eliminated during the break Fuck.

Sandow in and takes a uppercut and running headbutt. Rhodes gets the blind tag and goes to work. The fans chant “Cody’s Moustache” as he conects more and more with the fans.

Sandow in with the ELBOW OF DISTAIN. Cody in to take a bump and he sells his shoulder straight away. One of the Usos hits a samoan drop as Rhodes is most likely regretting coming back from injury straight away. Top rope splash misses and Cross Rhodes finishes. Real good ending to the match as they made the Usos look great before they lost.

Eve v Alicia Fox.

Eve does the royal wave during her entrance. Alicia doesn’t even get one. Her offence looks so contrived. Holy fuck, she just hot a beautiful Northern Lights suplex with a bridge! Tilting backbreaker gets two as the match falls apart brutally. The girls are learning to run before they can walk here. Their fundamentals are appalling. They’re all uniformly terrible at running the ropes, locking up, bumping etc while they do flipping sideslams, rolling neckbreakers and the like.

Punk is out on crutches. I’m sad they didn’t do the Bret Hart 1997 wheelchair gimmick. Punk silences the haters by confirming his injury was real. He attributes the surgery to wear and tear. He then shows us how it was done in storyline when Ryback fucked him up last week. The fans are ticking Heyman off. How dare they  chant ‘Feed Me More’ after Punk’s surgery. Punk didn’t have a stunt double like The Rock and proceed to destroy him. He only shows up when he gets a title opportunity, he needs a stunt double, he drinks mochas etc. Punk makes fun of Ryback injuring him and not getting his title match. Punk names everyone he beat during his reign. The Rock will also fail at the Royal Rumble. Punk is coming to TLC. He wants to watch The Shield (WHO HE IS NOT AFFILIATED WITH) beating Team Hell No and Ryback.

Sheamus v Dolph Ziggler.

TOO MANY LIMES WHOOOAAAAAAAA.

Sheamus with some clubbering and gets that leg lock that looks like your back is about to be taken. Fans start a ‘Let’s Go Ziggler’ chant. Sheamus keeps working the leg but Ziggler takes over with an eye rake. Sheamus reverses an Irish Whip and launches Ziggler over the top. Break. The announcers are not even talking about the match, they’re jet going on and on about The Slammy’s next week, the Muppets and the Rolling Stones.

We’re back and some cool stuff happened during the break for some reason. The break gets a cool fameasser off the steps and the viewers at hoe get an extended chinlock sequence. Ziggler pounds away in the corner showing some good fire. Neckbreaker gets two and back to the chinlock. Ziggler gets caught on a cross body attempt and Sheamus hits a backbreaker and SOS slam putting the fans back on his side. He gets the ten clubs on the outside and a suplex back in. He goes up like an idiot and gets crotched. Ziggler gets pushed off and hits a running X Factor from the top. That looked so dangerous for both lads. Ziggler misses the ZigZag and runs into the Irish Curse for two. Sheamus starts setting up for the kick but Dolph stops, drops and rolls to the outside. Ziggler hammers him with a chair for the DQ. He swings for the fences but Sheamus Brogue Kicks the chair. Good spot to end the match actually.

Meanwhile Vickie gets stretched by Khali and the midget. Vince walks in and wonders os this a family show. Comedy.

The Shield do a cool video promo. Very NWO chic. They can bring Tables, Ladders and Chairs. The Shield will bring the sword.

Alberto Del Rio v Zack Ryder

Shit one mate. Ryder with a dropkick and hammering away in the corner. Forearm gets two. Chinlock, Del Rio fights out but Ryder gets a headlock takeover. Flapjack gets two for Ryder. Del Rio takes over with a contrived enduigiri to the back in the corner. Rope choking. Floatover suplex gets two for Del Rio. Ryder fights out of a chinlock but walks into a lucha backbreaker. Enzuigiri to the arm and back to the chinlock. Sunset flip gets two for Ryder but Del Rio hits a gorgeous German suplex for two himself. Axhandle from the top gets two and back to the rest hold. Del Rio takes a PG version of the old Shawn Michaels Holy Shit bump from the 90s. Ryder misses the Broski Boot and gets armbarred  and swept for the tap. Sweet match. Someone let me know how many times this match has been held in the last two years.

AJ v Vickie.

Vickie is still wearing her Eddie inspired gear. We have no referee as both girls are just standing there like idiots. Oh fuck, here’s YOUTUBE SENSATION BRAD MADDOX in a referee shirt. Vickie starts with some stomping and laughing. She slaps AJ in the face and  ets battered in return. Vickie tries to run but gets thrown back. AJ is now slamming her head into the mat. Slap fom AJ but Maddox won’t count. She gets in his face but gets rolled up from behind. This time Maddox counts and Vickie gets the three. AJ has a tantrum afterwards and starts tearing up the set outside. She’s screaming and it’s awful She slaps Justin Roberts and storms to the back.

After the break she still spazzing out backstage, trashing shit. Cena tries to calm her down. We’ve all had to console a drunk girl like this at least once in our lives.

Kofi Kingston v Antonio Cesaro

America has gone rotten according to Cesaro. Nowhere is as rotten as [this city here]. R-Truth will learn that the real truth hurts on Sunday at TLC.

Some nice catch as catch can stuff to open up. Kofi tries to Owen Hart flip out of a wrist lock but Cesaro stomps him down. Real nice spot actually as it looked more believable than another flippy do or whatever. Kofi with a highspot into the back elbow and gets his 10 punches in the corner. Cesaro hangs him up on the ropes and hits a slam and his running double foot stomp. Some corner choking. Kofi starts his comeback and fires up. The crowd really aren’t with him though. Kofi hits his running monkey flip but runs into Cesaro’s foot on a blind charge.

Kofi gets a sunset flip for two coming back from break. Cesaro back with a Karelin lift into s aide suplex. Sidewalk slam gets two and it’s bearhug time. Fucking around in the corner leads to Kofi hitting SHADOWS OVER HELL! Awesome! Cesaro comes back with the uppercut off Kofi’s SOS. Kofi gets it again for two as Cesaro gets the ropes. Cesarm misses a charge and takes the AJ Styles kick in the face. Kofi tries a cross body from the top and gets caught with a lucha backbreaker! Neutraliser and we’re out. Great finish.

Miz is out with his stupid interview segment. His guests are Sandow and Rhodes or in Miz-ese: The beard and the wierdo. Fuck the Miz. Sandow is so awesome though. “Cody’s Moustache *clap*clap*clap*clap*”

Both guys bury the Miz. Miz makes fun of Cody’s moustache. “You’re not a very good host are you?” Hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa. Watch this segment. The heels are so good here. Miz tries to drive the heels apart. Cody ends the interview talking about not being a part of this Honey Boo Boo bullshit. The heels were as good as the Miz was appalling.

Meanwhile AJ wants to join Cena at ringside. He says no and she agrees. That’s carny for her coming anyway.

John Cena v Big Show with Ziggler on commentary.

Show starts with the usual. Cena tries a sleeper but gets thrown off. He tries an FU but Show is too fat as we go to break.

Back with Cena getting a DDT but walks into a sideslam. Show gets a spear for tywo as this might be the slowest match in Raw history. Elbow drop gets two. Cena fights back but runs into a bearhug. Cena gets out and tries to STF but gets kicked out of the ring. Cena starts punching from the apron and gets clotheslined coming back in. Vader Bomb gets two. Second one mosses and Cena starts his comeback. He even hits the side suplex! He stops to mouth off to Ziggler but walks into a chokeslam for two. Show sets up for the punch. It misses and Cena hits the FU. HERE COME THE SHIELD! They start whooping on Cena and start setting up furniture. Team Hell No come out and the brawl is on. Ziggler and Cena jump in as Sheamus runs out as well. Cena spears Show through a table. The Shield are stomping Kane in the corner and HERE COMES THE RYBACK! Spinebuster to Rollins as we go off the air with a crazy ass brawl on.

Great angle to set up the TLC PPV. Enjoyed the show today. I shall be back on Sunday night with a recap.

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