Here we go! It’s 1am in my Spider-Man onesie.
This whole “THIS WEEK ON RAW” trope fucking HAS to stop. It’s actually embarrassing. Has “Let’s ask the heels why they did [dastardly act X]” ever ended with anything other than “YOU PEOPLE DON’T DESERVE AN ANSWER!”
Also, we’re live with Kane and DBRYAN coming out. We see The Shield in the crowd and Kane invites them to fight. They do not.
Kane and Daniel Bryan v PRIMETIMEPLAYERS non title.
They’ve changed the PTP’s music to something equally as useless. Bryan runs wild as we see that two of The Shield have disappeared from their perch in the crowd. The champions are actually working well together as they act all concerned about the heels in the crowd. Kane misses and elbow and Darren Young takes over. There is literally no heat right now. Bryan hits his running knee on the outside as the crowd really aren’t taking this match seriously. The Shield slowly makes their way to the ring and we go to a break. This match fucking sucks. I’m enjoying that the new heels are being treated like a threat. The PTP are being treated as afterthoughts which sucks. Titus has the potential to break out at any point but it’s another case of ‘stop/start’ pushes.
We come back and Titus is on that chinlock banter. Kane fights out but Titus cuts him off. *BARKING*. Medium hot tag to Bryan and he hits the corner dropkick. Awesome camera angle there. Blind tag to Young and he clotheslines Bryan down. Bryan gets the No Lock but Titus breaks it up. The Shield comes ever closer as the match just grinds to a halt. Young tries a cheap roll up but Bryan rolls through for the three.
And here comes The Shield. They whoop on Kane outside and send him to the post. They whoop on Bryan inside and hit the triple powerbomb. Dean Ambrose comes off like a star in everything he does. When we come back from replays Kane is tending to Bryan like Bigfoot tending to a wounded woodland creature.
Sheamus meets with John Cena in the back and hits the fucking greatest series of Irish references ever seen on US television. Included are Dublin winning the Sam Maguire, Leinster winning the Heineken Cup at the Aviva, Johnny Logan winning the Eurovision and Father Ted kicking Bishop Brennan up the arse. It’s nice that they were having the banter while The Shield were knocking the bollocks out of Team Hell No.
AJ Lee v Tamina Snuka.
Apparently Tamina is the daughter of WWE Hall Of Famer Jimmy Snuka. Never would have thought it. Tamina does some standard heel clubbing related offense to start. @NotDaveMeltzer just said “No Tamina didn’t have a stroke. That’s just the shape of her face.” Snuka takes too long between moves and AJ rolls her up. Match was brutal.
No break or anything and CM Punk comes out. Ring is cleared, where the fuck did Tamina go? Heyman starts out with the WWE Encyclopedia in his hands. Apparently there is not enough CM Punk in it. Tomorrow evening CM Punk will surpass John Cena as the longest reigning champion in the modern era. He should be on WWE’s Mount Rushmore but he’s still unfairly persecuted. After beating Ryback two months in a row, why should he face him again? Fair point. Punk believes that the fans turned their backs on his. He suggests that HE is the reason the fans buy tickets and tune into “these dismal three hour Raws”. Preach nigga preach!
Punk starts telling the fans to change the channel and leave the arena when he’s interrupted by THE FUCKING MIZ. HATE.
He’s the worst babyface of all time. So pandering and obnoxious. He knows The Shield and Brad Maddox were in Punk’s pocket. Punk is so above him verbally that it’s not funny. Miz invites Punk onto his fucking Miz TV thing to take a lie detector test. I have no issues with this if it’s a Simpsons takeoff. Miz tried to get ‘Walrus’ to be the new chant for Heyman. Punk eventually accepts and it’s on tonight. Fuck, that segment was DEATH. There’s more tonight for some reason. Fuck.
John Cena & Sheamus v Dolph Ziggler & Big Show.
TOO MANY LIMES WHOOOOAAAAA. Sheamus runs over Ziggler a few times but walks in to a dropkick. Elbow from Ziggler and here’s Cena. Double shoulderblock gets two. Hiptoss and armdrag for Cena. Dolph fights out and in comes Show. He lays the badmouth on Cena while Cena just BOUNCES off him attempting a flying shoulderblock. Awesome and hilarious. Show takes over with the usual. Forearms, chops and the like. Cena fails on a body slam attempt. I love that spot. Ziggler in with some elbows but he misses a blind charge and eats turnbuckle.
Hot tag Sheamus and he starts working on Show. He plays the plucky underdog really well actually. He eats a spear from Show off a top rope something and we go to break.
Back with the heat segment still going. Sheamus looks like he’s cut between the eyes. Ziggler with a dropkick for two. He sticks on a rear naked chinlock with hooks for some reason. Sheamus fights out and gets the Irish Curse and gets the second hot tag. Cena gets the usual but Show kicks him to block the FU. Sheamus comes in however and picks up Show. Simultaneous FU and White Noise for the win. ZIGGLER JOBS AGAIN!
Still two hours to go and we’re recapping the longest segment of all time with Punk and Miz.
YAY Damien Sandow! He will not abandon us intellectual inferiors. He drags a plant out from the crowd to answer some questions. He buries the poor guy who didn’t know who John Keats was. I’m constantly amused by this man.
Santino interrupts to ask Sandow a question but gets tongue tied on it. Santino tries to attack Sandow with a microphone but gets slugged down. Han shot first.
Santino v Damien Sandow
Joined in progress with Santino powerwalking. Sandow with some knees and rubs Santino’s face in the mat. Russian legsweep sets up the ELBOW OF DISTAIN. Suplex is reversed into a small package for two. Santino makes his comeback and goes for the cobra. Sandow bails and attacks. He steals the sock but Santino goes for the headbutt from the top. It misses by a country mile. Terminus. Talkcha.
Dolph complains about Big Show to Vickie backstage. Dolph wants Cena at TLC and promises to steal the show. Dolph tries to put the moves on her but she can’t due to the ruling that authority figures can’t fuck talent anymore. We transition to Brad Maddox and his personal cameraman in Vickie’s office. Why?
We’re back with Maddox and Vickie. He wants a contract and starts buttering her up. He’s now YOUTUBE SENSATION Brad Maddox. She books him against a mystery opponent for the chance to win a contract. Great Khali, the poor lad.
Sin Cara v Alberto Del Rio.
This was JUST on Smackdown with Alberto winning via armbar. It was a sweet match though so they might just do it again. It’s a Sin Cara singles match but they haven’t done the stupid fucking lights. YAY! Alberto starts with some stomping and slamming. Armdrags from Sin Cara into an armbar. Shoulderblocks in the corner to break and a high kick. Knucklelock arm drag gets two. These two work so well together. Del Rio is an awesome base for Sin Cara’s high flying. Snap suplex gets two for Del Rio. Chinlock. Sin Cara fights out but gets dropped. Del Rio misses his usual charge through the ropes and Sin Cara kicks the fuck out of his face! Rana follows from the apron and we go to break.
We’re back with Sin Cara getting a ran a inside for two and Del Rio bails. Del Rio just destroys Sin Cara off a springboard. He then gets launched into the barricade. Back in and Del Rio gets a chinlock with some added mask grabbing. HARD German suplex gets two. Del Rio misses a charge and Sin Cara hits a HUGE tornado DDT out of the corner. Botched Tajira elbow and rana set up the AJ Styles rope assisted kick. High cross body gets two. Sin Cara gets the Ultimo Dragon reverse DDT but misses the swanton. La Mistica is reversed to the armbar and tap tap taparoo.
Vince is backstage and he orders a stagehand to bring Vickie to the ring. He wants a conversation with her. NOW!
Vickie is out and she introduces Vince. She’s sucking up to him big time. Vinces calls her ‘almost semi comely’. Nice. Linda shall not be running for election again. She announces Cena and Ziggler for TLC. Vince goads her into making it a ladder match. Vickie complains that there’s no belt to grab. Vince reckons that a briefcase would be just GREAT to hang there. Vickie says it’s unfair. Vince counters with the AJ scandal bullshit. She owes this GREAT MATCH to the fans for putting them through approximately a million hours of that shite.
Vince further goads Vickie into announcing Paul Heyman v Ryback next week if Punk fails his lie detector test. Porn level acting.
Brad Maddox YOUTUBE SENSATION v Randy Orton
So disappointed it’s not Khali. Maddox elbows Orton really hard by mistake. Jobber 4 life. Orton’s gonna shit in his gym bag for that. Randy looks legit pissed off. Elevated DDT. RKO. Bye bye. THE SHIELD attack Orton after the match. Triple powerbomb again.
We’re back with Dolph pissing and moaning at Vickie over the ladder match. He says she’s just like AJ. She’s crushed. Heyman then walks in and stares her down. Shit, I would too if I had too wrestle that big goof. Cena then comes in. Stupid AJ bullshit. I’m listening to Christmas music for a bit.
Kofi Kingston & R-Truth v Antonio Cesaro & Wade Barrett.
Teddy Long is out. Holla holla etc.He changes it into a fatal four way match for the banter. TWITTER POLL for who’s title is on the line, Cesaro’s or Kingston’s. As an aside, Kingston was the only guy to get an entrance leaving the rest as a bunch of ‘Currently In The Ring’ geeks.
Kofi v Cesaro v Truth v Barrett for Cesaro’s US Title.
Ceasro starts with Kingston inside. He does his pose and hits an uppercut. Barrett in with a pump handle slam for two. We end up with Truth and Kingston jiving it up inside the ring. They do the indy respect sequence ending in a stalemate off a double dropkick. Truth misses a pescado and gets smashed into the post. Kingston eats the bolo uppercut off a dive from the steps. BREAK.
Back with Cesaro getting a one leg giant swing into a half crab. Truth saves and hits the HAT RACK CRACK but Barrett pulls him out. Barrett and Cesaro fight but Kingston interrupts with a high cross for two. Bossman slam from Wade for two. Truth in with something for two. Barrett sets up for a superplex but gets pounded down. We end up with a three man stackerplex that gets two. Cesaro gets a huge slam for two.Truth hits a Cactus clothesline on Cesaro sending them both out. Kingston with some dropkicks inside on Barrett. Boom drop sets up the kick. Cesaro drags him out and goes for the Neutraliser. Truth dropkicks him but eats Barrett’s elbow. Barrett walks into Kofi’s kick for two. Cesaro interrupts by deadlifting Kofi and dropping him with his finish. Bam. Great finish, good match.
This is the FOURTH fucking time they’ve shown the Miz TV promo. They show Miz pulling the biggest duck face as he’s posing on the ropes during this each time. Has to be a rib.
We’re in the ring with MIZ TV as he introduces some lad doing the lie detector. I hate this man. He’s passable as a heel. He’s the dirt worst babyface. So if Punk fails, Heyman has to wrestle Ryback next week. He’ll tell the truth and get Heyman out of it. Then next week something something Punk gets comeuppance something something. I’m so irritated listening to Miz here. Bed time. Email me if I’m wrong. I don’t care.