TONIGHT: Brad Maddox battles The Ryback! Vickie Guerrero stirs up some shit with AJ and John Cena! CM Punk celebrates his 355th day as WWE Champion! AND The King Jerry Lawler returs to the commentators desk.
Michael Cole and Jim Ross are on duty for the moment.
Randy Orton v Dolph Ziggler
Ziggler hits a shoulder block but gets flapjacked running the ropes. Orton clotheslines him outside and brings him back with a beauty of a slingshot suplex. Tully Blanchard represent yo. Ziggler with some dropkicks and a shitload of elbow drops for two. CHINLOCK number one of the show reversed to a back suplex by Orton. He hits his clotheslines, powerslam and DDT in quick succession. Orton postures for the RKO but Alberto Del Rio interrupts. Cheap shot from Ziggler misses and he gets rolled up for three straight away.
Del Rio and Ricardo come in after the bell all all three heels start beating on Orton. Kofi Kingston runs out to save and TLONG’s music hits. TAG TEAM MATCH PLAYA
Randy Orton and Kofi KIngston v Dolph Ziggler and Alberto Del Rio
We pretty much go straight to a break as the heels awkwardly get together. Were they fucked for time or something, that was just strange.
We’re back with Del Rio holding CHINLOCK number two of the show. Kofi fights out but Ziggler tags in and hits his dropkick. CHINLOCK number three from Ziggler but he does a headstand so all is forgiven. Ziggler throws Kofi to the corner but misses a blind charge and it’s hot tag Orton. Clotheslines etc until Del Rio throws some kicks. Kofi blind tags in with a cross body and SOS but Ziggler saves at the very last split second. Orton boots Ziggler out as Kofi goes for the big kick. Ricardo distracts long enough for Del Rio to hit the stepladder enzuigiri for the pin. Orton helps Kofi up and they look sad. Not bad all things considered. Three chinlocks in the opening twenty minutes though like.
We’re back with Ziggler shiteing on about the Cena thing with AJ. Line of the year, “He wears his wrestling gear to dinner for some reason. That’s cute.” Vickie is getting nuclear heat. The crowd is barely letting her talk. AJ comes out looking pretty great. AJ reserves her right to remain silent on the matter BY SPEAKING and Vickie tries to get her to admit the affair. Honestly can’t believe I’m typing this muck.
AJ eventually admits the truth but the truth is that her and Cena are just friends and nothing untoward has happened ever. Something, something jealousy. AJ hits her with a fat joke as I’m ready to smash my fucking television in. I guess the election really is finished.
Vickie introduces phone hacking voicemails as she turns into Rebekah Brooks gradually. The photo they haver of Cena and AJ while they voicemails are spelled out is fucking hysterical. Dolph starts being a dick while simultaneously discrediting Cena’s bedroom performances. THE LEADER OF THE CENATION comes out to defend some honor. AJ slaps Dolph and Cena boots him out of the ring and boots the briefcase too. Is he ever gonna cash it in? Does he have until Money in the Bank or is it Wrestlemania? I wrote way too many words about that segment.
AHAHAHAHAAAAA. They go to a video package on the veterans and Sky just cuts them off. Timing was incredible there.
Meanwhile, AJ creeps Cena out by giving him an awkward boner in the back.
Big Show v William Regal
Regal gets no entrance so he’s clearly fucked. Show kicks off with some slaps, the usual as the announcers talk about Show’s bad mood lately. He invites Regal to hit hoim but no sells and slams him down. Show misses the elbow and Regal starts with the stiff punches. Show just shrugs them off and finishes with the chokeslam. They show a close up of Regal’s chest with a giant paw print on it. Show sets up for the big punch but Sheamus runs in with a nice double leg! He pounds away but Show bails. TOO MANY LIMES, TOO MANY LIMES.
Layla v Kaitlin for the number one contendership.
Eve is on commentary and she has a fucking tremendous rack in that top. Crowd chant “We want puppies.” Kaitlin finishes with the bodyslam/reverse DDT thing that they put into the Smackdown games as Sting’s finisher.
We get a recap of the King’s heart attack as they play the sounds of him struggling to breathe that had been muted on the original broadcast. They had a camera there while the medics were giving him CPR and shit? They show an unresponsive Lawler being shocked and having his heart pumped. That’s really not cool. It’s shit like this that make me believe that they have Owen Hart’s corpse stuffed in the mens room in Titan Towers.
Cole and JR are in the ring to introduce Jerry Lawler back to WWE. He gets a pretty nice ovation as the crowd seem genuinely happy to see him. He hugs JR and Cole (after some funny hesitation) as they give him the mic.
Lawler gives a really nice speech as he seems on the edge of tears. He didn’t realize how much he meant to other people until this happened. Coming from anyone else that may have sounded arrogant but it came across so genuine.
CM Punk interrupts as this is now just an angle. He’s glad Jerry left the ring because he would have beaten him to death. Sound.He calls King a real life zombie. He suggests that Lawler fighting him before the heart attack was disrespectful. Punk is not happy with the fans for tweeting him hate mail and so on. He calls Lawler’s troubles a ‘heart attack stunt’.
The boys in the back have been wondering how many minutes King was clinically dead for. But of course the only number that matters is that 355. The amount of days that CM Punk has been champion for. Punk hopes that Lawler doesn’t croak before the Survivor Series to commentate his match.
Heyman fakes a heart attack for some reason and Punk makes the DREADED X SIGN. Like, he’s a great performer and all but fuck off like. Mick Foley comes out with a GREEN FLANNEL and Cactus Jack tshirt on.
Foley goes on about respecting The King. Punk suggests that he should respect Heyman as he has just had a heart attack. I laughed. Foley announces that the WWE UNIVERSE are going to pick his final Survivor Series team member. Punk mouths off and Foley interrupts with a FUCKING AWESOME PROMO about disrespecting Lawler and the title. Punk responds with his own insinuating that Foley is a roof jumping goof.
Foley finishes by informing Punk that he’s the enforcer for Punk and Cena’s match later on. Great segment.
Meanwhile, Punk wants Heyman to fix everything.
JR is gone from the announce table. Emoticon sad face.
Sin Cara/Rey Mysterio/Tyson Kidd/Justin Gabriel v PRIMETIMEPLAYERS/Primo and Epico.
Gabriel and BIG DEAL TITUS O NEiL start. NO DAYS OFF DARREN YOUNG comes in and the Plays do the double suplex. Epico slingshots in and hits CHINLOCK number four of the night. Ricardo comes down and hands Rosa Mendes a note. She enjoyed whatever text was in there. Mysterio warm tags in and ends a cool sequence with a quebrada to the outside. Rule #3 is back as we take a break.
Looked at the clock like an idiot. THERE”S TWO HOURS TO GO.
We’re back with Titus whooping on Rey outside and barking. Back in with the three backbreakers and some more barking. Bearhug from Titus as someone has changed up the rest hold cue card today. Primo in with a front facelock. Rey reverses out, runs the ropes and hits the sunset flip kick thing. Darren Young blocks the hot tag but he misses a charge and its hot tag Tyson Kidd.
Kidd hits a Buff Blockbuster but gets backstabbed by Primo. Awesome ‘everyone attacking everyone’ sequence ending with Rey and Sin Cara hitting dives on the heels to the outside. Young gets a gut buster on Kidd back in but gets dropped into the ropes. 619 next and 450 from Gabriel gets the pin. Great ending to the match. Great match actually, all in all.
Kidd’s offense in this was so crisp. He is the most underutilized guy in the company.
MEANWHILE, Brad Maddox goes for a quick chat with Heyman.
Another Fandango vignette. Fuck sake. I will never get behind a lad described as NIMBLE. His catchphrase is MAY I CUT IN. Dancer gimmick.
Meanwhile, Dolph thinks that Miz will come crawling back to his Survivor Series team. Foley interrupts and they book Team Rhodes Scholars v Kane and the winner of a TWITTER POLL. Miz suggests that he be on Team Foley’s TWITTER POLL ballot for tonight and Survivor Series. Miz is now a babyface. HOLY SHIT, the options are Miz, Ryder and Santino. Seriously, all Foley had as backup was ZACK RYDER AND SANTINO MARELLA.
R Truth is out for a match. Cesaro is out in a suit and with a cool man bag. He believes that Truth is a joke, America is a joke and that himself and Switzerland are superpowers. He’s on commentary after the break.
Tensai v Truth
We’re joined in progress with CHINLOCK number five. Truth fights out but gets shouldered down. Tensai with some arm related offense. Tensai is so fat. Truth fights back with a dropkick and a top rope version.Leg lariat and Little Jimmy finish Tensai clean. Cesaro starts a promo but Truth interrupts.
Europe in my face right now.
NEXT: Its Brad Maddox v THE RYBACK. Maddox is still wearing his Beef Wellington tights.
It’s 3am and it’s time for a big old angle.
Brad Maddox v THE RYBACK
Maddox gets an entrance but no music. An ambulance pulls up as he’s going down the ramp as I had a Right To Censor flashback. They play an awesome inset promo from Maddox where he says he has no regrets. So good. A fat guy in the crowd has a ‘Feed Me Less’ sign. The WWE trainers bring a stretcher down before the bell rings.
We start with Maddox on the floor with the referee counting. Ryback catches him and starts with the clobbering. He gives Maddox the British Bulldog turnbuckle bump and a running powerslam. He picks him up and hits a clothesline to the outside. Ryback hits a disgusting power bomb. And again! And again! The back of his head just BOUNCED there. Meathook sets up Shellshock. No angle, just an ass whooping of epic proportions. Not in a million years would I get in there with that man.
After the match Ryback starts whooping on him some more. Ryback hits a ridiculous running clothesline on the outside. Ryback brings him up the ramp and plows him against the ambulance. Into the back of the ambulance and it drives off. Might as well have put him in a box ladled “Ohio Valley Wrestling”.
Best part was Ryback shouting “I HIT HARD”. Really? No shit you fucking gimp.
David Otunga v Sheamus
No entrance for Otunga. Trouble my friend. Otunga starts with some clobbering and flexes. Sheamus comes back as they show Michael McGillicuddy, Aksana and Regal watching backstage laughing. Shoulderblocks in the corner and some knees from Sheamus.He hits White Noise to zero heat and sets up for the kick. The fans actually chant along for it and WHAMMO. Brogue Kick finishes.TOO MANY LIMES. TOO MANY LIMES. WHOOAAAA.
Sheamus does a promo after where he actually sounds like he wants the belt back. Yay! We cut back to…the back where Show finally hits the KO punch on Regal.
I’m getting tired here.
Meanwhile Kane and Daniel Brian are bickering. Daniel is all jealous about Kane teaming with someone else. Its the cutest thing ever.Daniel makes a huge speech about how they should march up top Foley and say they’ll never team with anyone else again. He turns around to find that Kane is gone. My little heart is breaking.
Team Rhodes Scholars just do their normal entrances together if that makes any sense.
The Miz got SIXTY PERCENT of the popular vote. The fans popped for the reveal but I’m not sure they know how to react to him. Daniel Brian comes out to show The Miz what a real crowd reaction sounds like.
Team Rhodes Scholars v Kane/Miz
We’re back with Kane whooping on Sandow. Miz in with some stuff as Daniel is cheering on from the outside. “Come on MIz, Yay Miz!” Miz with the corner clothesline and back to Kane. “Miz is awesome” chant. Fuck sake.Miz backdrops Cody over the top and follows with an axehandle from the apron. Brian distracts and Cody hits a springboard kick. Sandow tags in and hits the ELBOW OF DISTAIN. “YOU CAN DO IT MIZ!” Miz gets the Mizard od Oz thing for a double down. Hot tag Kane and he takes over on Cody.Usual sideslam related offense as the crowd have gone quiet again. Brian attacks the Miz on the outside but he reverses Brian into Sandow. Back in and Kane gets the chokeslam and pins Rhodes. Miz and Daniel fight over Kane’s love and affection after the match.
CM Punk v John Cena w/ Mick Foley as ENFORCER.
They kick off with a leapfrog , arm drag spot and Punk takes a powder. AD BREAK. It’s 3.55am. Fuck.
We’re back with Punk elbowing a prone Cena on the apron. Back in a Cena gets two off a backslide. Cravate style resthold as we’ve given up on the chinlock. Cena out but gets caught in a sleeper which Cena sells like a chinlock anyway as a tribute. Boo/Yay spot less than five minutes in as they’re both selling like it’s been 20 minutes. Cena starts his comeback, gets the blue thunder but gets rolled up for two off the five knuckle shuffle. Neckbreaker sets up the high knee in the corner for Punk. Macho elbo misses and looks sloppy as hell. Cena hits canvas off the shuffle but gets it on the third try. AA is countered into a mule kick for two. Some good work here. Shame to give it away for free.
GTS attempt is reversed to an AA which is reversed into the Koji Clutch. It’s like an upside down Peruvian Necktie! Cena gets the ropes with Foley helpfully pointing that out from the outside. Punk misses something from the top and Cena gets the STF. Heyman runs in but gets caught by Foley. High kick from Punk off the distraction only gets two. GTS is reversed to the STF but Punk makes the ropes before it’s properly locked on. He bails outside holding his knee and starts to walk out. THE RYBACK blocks his way though and Cena throws Punk back in. GTS s reversed to the AA and he hits it this time for the pin! Pretty good match, told a great story. We close the show with Cena and Ryback staring down here on our go home show. Both guys pick up the title at the same time but Punk is too afraid to take it off them. GREAT.
Not the worst show of all time but if you had taken an hour of filler out of the show it would have been awesome. I’m barely remembering half the stuff on the show without looking at my notes.
See y’all on Saturday for UFC 154 and Sunday for Survivor Series. I may have to start a Kickstarter campaign for funds.