HELL IN A CELL 2012
Will The Ryback bring home the gold?
WE ARE LIVE from Phillips Arena in Atlanta GA. Commentators tonight are JBL, Michael Cole and Jim Ross.
The set looks really good. I approve of the new trend of not having a border around the big screen.
Alberto Del Rio v Randy Orton
Great choice to open the show. Ricardo’s ring intro mentions PROMO Azteca I believe.
Announcers open up talking about how Orton looks naked without gold. Given Randy’s lost nearly every week in the buildup, he should win here.
Orton quickly takes over on ADR outside. He puts the Garvin stomp on him back in. Del Rio gets the heat two minutes in with an arm breaker over the turnbuckle. He basically lashes the arm out of it for the remainder of the match with Randy’s usual highspots worked in. ADR did a ridiculous double foot stomp off the top that looked like it broke Orton in two. He then horribly botched a top rope dropkick reversal spot by jumping off too early. Or Randy fucked it up by turning around too late. Either way they lost the crowd who had been with them the whole way.
Finish saw Randy reverse the armbar for a two count. Afterwards Del Rio went for his springboard kick but got hit with an RKO for the win. Great finish but they REALLY fucked up that spot in the home stretch.
Winner: Randy Orton – RKO.
Vickie Guerrero and Paul Heyman waste some time for a few minutes.
Tag Titles – Team Hell No v Rhodes Scholars.
Both teams have been awesome lately. The challengers cut a promo calling themselves the tag team champions in the style of Kane and Daniel Brian.
Brian and Damien Sandow start off. Brian hits his YES kicks in the corner and tags in Kane. Rhodes comes in and sideslams Cody Rhodes. Brian back in for more YES/NO related crowd banter. Seriously, the crowd are DYING to cheer Daniel as a face.
Heels hit a blind tag and Sandow hits Kane with a chop block for the heat. Kane fights back and hits the lukewarm tag.
Brian runs wild and hits a tope on both guys. Bad guys take over on the way back in. The heel team are making quick tags and generally being dicks. Elbow of Distain gets two and Sandow hits the chinlock. Brian fights out and hits a drop toe hold on to the turnbuckle and gets the hot tag.
Usual Kane spots but the clothesline gets blocked. He gets it on the second try and signals for the chokeslam. Brian tags himself in, hits the flying knee and we have some face miscommunication. Sandow pulls Kane out and Rhodes hits a pescado on to both. Brian follows with the apron knee but hits Kane by mistake. They argue and Rhodes hits a baseball slide. Rhodes hits his finish in the ring and Kane saves and loses his mind. He destroys both heels as the ref starts counting. Oh fuck.
The elusive ‘kicking too much ass’ DQ. THIS FEUD MUST CONTINUE.
Winners: Rhodes Scholars – DQ.
THEY SHOWED AN AD FOR DOOMSDAY PREPPERS! AMAZING!
Intercontinental Championship – Kofi Kingston v The Miz.
Miz gets his AWESOME inflatable entrance. Has to be winning.
Kofi is wearing some new tights. Has to be winning.
They go back and forth for a bit with Kofi showing some decent fire. Something he’s lacked since the Randy Orton program which we will never speak of again. Miz catches him off a gymnastic display with a big boot on the outside. He takes it inside and hits the chinlock. Kofi fights out and gets dragged down by the hair. Miz gets two off the top rope axehandle. He gets clotheslined off the corner clothesline and Kofi starts his comeback spots. Boom Drop sets up the Trouble in Paradise but MIz bails. Crossbody gets two. They badly fuck up a neck breaker/rollup spot.
Miz takes over again with a weird move. I’m gonna go with ‘ankle stunner’. Miz starts working on the leg and rips off the padding and shit Kofi wears on his boots. Best part is that now it looks like Kofi wears corrective shoes now one of his lifts are gone. Half crab from Miz and Kofi starts working for the ropes. Miz pulls him back but gets rolled up. Trouble in Paradise is ducked and Miz goes for the Skull Crushing Finale. They ‘battle’ over it and Kofi boots Miz outside the ring. Miz back in, gets the big kick and Kofi gets the three.
Winner: Kofi Kingston – Trouble in Paradise.
Kingston cuts a cringey promo afterwards and we’re all embarrassed for him.
United States Championship – Antonio Cesaro v Justin Gabriel
Cesaro cuts a promo in Swiss as I realize that the WHAT chants are TEN YEARS OLD. And we’ll all wish cancer on to Steve Austin and move on with our lives.
JBL on commentary buries Gabriel’s hair. It is outlandish in fairness. JBL also puts over Gabriel’s dad Paul Lloyd as a great Greco Roman wrestler.
Cesaro starts off with some power stuff. Clubbering, stomps and the like. He hits the chinlock for a bit as the announcers are really getting on my nerves. Cesaro hits a cool fallaway slam off the top rope. He’s basically grecoing the shit out of Gabriel. Gabriel lands on his feet off a throw and hits a quebrada but gets clotheslined out of his boots for some more heat. Gabriel gets his feet up on a blind charge and hits a spinning DDT. He rolls through the 450 and after a bit of messing around hits an AJ Styles DDT from the corner. Cesaro escapes to the outside as Gabriel follows with a pescado. He follows right into the fucking Bolo uppercut however and that’s it. Cesaro rolls him in, hits the Neutraliser and finishes the job.
Winner: Antonio Cesaro – Neutraliser.
Looks like we’re going with Punk – Ryback early. Shit one baldy.
Nope, just a Ryback video package on this here pay per view.
Oh, unadvertised match TWO here tonight as I assume Ryback’s match will be going all of three minutes.
Rey Mysterio/Sin Cara v THE PRIMETIME PLAYERS
Yes, real main event for me here.
Has Rey gotten that fat that he needs to hide his upper body with that stupid vest? Young hits the chinlock after a minute, Rey fights out and Sin Cara gets his contractually mandated one minute to shine before selling for five.
Titus catches Sin Cara’s cross body and hits three backbreakers. He then casually throws Sin Cara away as the crowd laughs. Darren Young hits a sideslam on the apron. A really cool move thats no more dangerous than a bodyslam. Heels switch off with a cool gourdbuster double team. Awesome spot as Yong starts wiggling his hips shouting MILLIONS OF DOLLARS and gets kicked in the dick. Titus hits a suplex that looked like it took way more effort than it should have. Sin Cara’s selling has improved drastically. The baby face team’s masks are awesome by the way, both have the others’ mask design on the back of their own.
Titus misses a three point stance in the corner and Sin Cara gets the Ultimo Dragon reverse DDT. Hot tag Rey and he runs wild with the usual as the crowd are popping big. D. Young’s punch drunk selling is something to behold. Awesome. Sin Cara hits a plancha off the post while Rey hits the 619 in the ring. Big splash gets the pin, great match.
Replays show that the reversal Sin Cara got into the reverse DDT looked more like he got dragon suplexed on his own head. SHIT ONE.
Winners: Sin Cara/Rey Mysterio – 619/Splash
World Heavyweight Title: Sheamus v Big Show.
JBL seems delighted that Leinster scored nine tries against the Cardiff Blues. As he should be. Dolph is shown backstage with the case. Some power stuff to start to establish the Big Show as the BIG SHOW. Bodyslams and the like from Show as the match is sloooowwww.
Sheamus, in fairness, is doing some uber quick offense to get back into it. He hits a tackle to the legs and Show rolls out to survey the situation. Back in and Sheamus hits some shoulder blocks in the corner that make me yearn for Brock Lesnar. Show biers him back out and throws him into the dasher boards. Back in a sideslam gets two as Sheamus is a pretty good plucky babyface. For a 260 pound man like. Show casually throws Sheamus over the announce table and hits the Final Cut back inside.
Sheamus fights back and gets a flying shoulder block over the top rope. Show comes right back however and slaps him around some more. Show puts on a bearhug, Sheamus come back with a slam but Show lands on top. Vaderbomb gets two afterwards. Show goes for the chokeslam but Sheamus fucks up a DDT reversal. He hits the 10 forearms on Show but gets hit with the chokeslam for TWO. Great near fall.
Sheamus fights back off a camel clutch and tries for the cloverleaf with predictable results. Back in with some knees and a couple of Polish hammers. Sheamus gets Show up for White Noise but can only get two. Awesome near fall again!
Sheamus sizes up the Brogue Kick and gets KNOCKED OUT. Show covers for TWO. HOLY SHIT! Show goes for the punch again but Sheamus nails him with the Brogue Kick! AGAIN FOR TWO! He BURIED him with that kick on the replay!
Sheamus goes for a second kick but Show punches the shit out of him mid move. New Champion. Really great series of spots to finish. Great job from both guys.
Winner and NEW World Heavyweight Champion: Big Show – WMD punch.
Women’s Match – Tea break. Also, couple of Fox’s Classics.
Divas Title – Eva v Kaitlin v Layla
All I’ll say about this is that Kaitlin squats bro.
Winner: Eve – STEALING THE PIN
THREE WEEK BUILD TO SURVIVOR SERIES
HERE WE GO!
WWE Championship: CM Punk v THE RYBACK
The opening package was actually amazing. THERE”S HOLES IN THE SIDE! WILL THERE BE CLIMBING?
Heyman provides his watch so we know it’s clobbering time. Punk and Heyman share a sad hug before Punk enters the cell. Goldberg chants already. I love that Ryback’s twitter is Ryback22. As if there were 21 other Rybacks that were cyberjacking his name.
Brad Maddox is your referee tonight. Oh.
Punk starts by running away. Repeatedly. Heyman: “I believe in you.”
Punk with a chop but Ryback hits the boot stomp. Ryback whips Punk into the buckle twice. He follows with a blind charge and hits boot. Tornado DDT attempt by Punk is thrown off comically by Ryback. Punk now being thrown again and again into the cell. GOLDBERG, GOLDBERG.
Punk attacks from under the ring with a fire extinguisher is a hilarious looking spot. Ryback just boots a chair back into Punk’s face and press slams him in over the top.Another press slam inside as Ryback sets up for the meathook. It misses and Punk hits a springboard clothesline. The fans are starting to get behind Punk now.Two Macho Man axehandles get Ryback down to a knee. A third is caught and Ryback starts with the shoulderblocks in the corner. Punk back with a heel kick and a tope into the cage. Neckbreaker outside from Punk. A second gets reversed but Punk dodges and Ryback eats the steps.
Back in and Punk gets the chinlock. Ryback gets the backpack stunner and hits the post again. Punk with a running knee to the corner and the flying elbow. Punk gets a kendo stick and starts going to work on Ryback’s back. He just shrugs it off and starts the big comeback. Clotheslines and the huge back body drop. He hits the meathook and BRAD MADDOX blocks the Shellshock. Maddox hits Ryback with a lowblow and they dog pile him for the quick three. Inventive way of getting out of the match in fairness.
Ryback starts whooping on all involved after the match. Maddox gets the meathook. Ryback then press slams him into the fucking cage. Never in a million years would I get in there with that man. Punk starts climbing to get away but Ryback follows. He hits Punk with Shellshock on top of the cell which really put the shits up me.
The show ends with Ryback on top of the cell with one foot on Punk’s chest.
Best match: Sheamus v Show
Worst match: Divas.
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