Fuck it, been too long since I watched Raw live. I’m expecting it to be a train wreck.
Announcers are Cole, JR and JBL.
Cena comes out and does a fucking AWFUL promo, making animal noises and shit. He eventually blames CM Punk for the show being so shitty lately and challenges him for Hell in a Cell. THE RYBACK interrupts his exit and they share an uneasy look. I’m sure Cena is fucking dreading working with that man.
THE RYBACK v Primo and Epico, The sad Puerto Ricans.
Goldberg chants early. They get some heat early while JBL gives out about Carlos Colon owing him money. Ryback finishes the lads with the usual in about three minutes. He looks so dangerous, dumping people on the back of their heads and shit. The crowd are getting super into him though.
Brodus Clay is out as the dancers are looking ultra hooer tonight.
R-Truth v Brodus Clay never gets started. Stupid fucking dance off. There’s Vince on the big screen. His message “Fuck off and dance out of here black people. Your master needs his ring.”
Vince is out to save the company. THE STATE OF THE WWE. He buries Brodus Clay and dancing in general. He’s going on about the ‘entertainment’ aspect of WWE. CM Punk interrupts in his new appalling t shirt. Paul Heyman holding the belt is the best thing in wrestling today.
Vince buries the t shirt. YAY. Punk ranting about not fighting Cena. Same as last week. Disrespect etc. Vince says he’s not a CM Punk guy nor a Heyman guy. Not the best week for Jewish writers.
Punk threatens to leave again like he did last year. He’s the best in the world, makes the company go around and all that.
Vince: “What makes this a success is the WWE Universe.” Cocksucker.
Vince negatively compares Punk to Shawn, Andre, Bret, HHH and Undertaker before Punk cuts him off at Austin. Punk calls Steve Austin a coward that beat up a clueless inept millionaire. Hopefully this is the first step towards Punk – Austinat Mania.
Punk fucking HAMMERS Vince with a slap and knocks him down. UGH, Vince v Punk tonight. Heyman thinks that “this went the wrong way”. Punk suggests trusting him.
THE FUCKING LADS are in the ring doing their dance. All black wrestlers dance. Rule #43 of wrestling.
Prime Time Players v Rey Mysterio/Sin Cara
Rey is mucho chubby at the minute. The Mexicans do some dives to take us to commercial. Rule #7 of Raw.
Sin Cara is getting surprisingly awesome as a never say die babyface. Especially given how shitty he was when he started out. Rey makes the hot comeback and finishes with the 619 and top rope splash. This was fucking great, they are better than all teams that aren’t Kazarian and Daniels.
The invisible camera is busy listening to Punk and Heyman having a chat. Punk is gonna whoop his ass while Heyman wants him to lay down.
Wade Barrett v Sheamus. Neither lad are as good as Tom “The Scorpion” King. Big Show interrupts straight away. He just observes the match, decided to wait until we’ve wasted ten minutes before doing the fuck finish.
Both of these lads don’t mind laying the digs in so it should be alright. Sheamus slams Barrett around for a bit until Barrett trips him to the outside. Sheamus lands hard as Raw rule #7 rears it’s head again.
Back from break and Sheamus is taking back over on Barrett. They really don’t like showing Sheamus in trouble for too long. Barrett getting some heat with knee lifts and choking. He kicks Sheamus square in the fucking face and gets two off that. Flying elbow misses and Sheamus makes the big comeback. Clotheslines, Polish hammers, show more kneelifts. Fuck off kneelifts. JBL quotes Dusty as Sheamus comes with the clobbering. FUCKING TENSAI runs in for the fuck finish.
Sheamus makes his own comeback and hits Tensai with the boot. He tries it on Show who just dumps him over the top like a bitch. Sheamus fucking NAILED the back of his head on the floor.
We goto break as JR is going to the back to interview Vince.
CM Punk talks to AJ about breaking Vince tonight. AJ suggests he’s too scared to fight John Cena. Punk gives her a little smooch and sleazes out of the room.
They show some Cena clips from shitty TV shows. I take the opportunity to watch Tom KIng lashing lads out of it in the MMA League.
Poor Tyson Kidd, never has an entrance.
Antonio Cesaro v Tyson Kidd.
Kidd does the sweetest reversal into an armlock around the ropes. Then he gets lashed out of it after a roll up. Double foot stomp on the apron from Cesaro. No heat for the poor lads. Kidd makes a sweet comeback with some high flying and shit. Cesaro cuts him off with the flapjack uppercut and finishes with the Neutraliser. Three minutes but it was a great three minutes.
Can’t believe there’s more than an hour to go. Honestly feel like bailing on it.
Vickie Guerrero is out. Rack ahoy. Time for Ziggler to get his weekly mandated loss. He seems to be more flamboyantly homosexual as the weeks go by. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Ricardo Rodriguez can’t roll his r’s anymore. More honey and lemon son.
The fans love Daniel Brian so much. Nobody in wrestling gets the reaction he gets.
Zigger/Del Rio v Team Hell No.
Is it wrong that I’m sick of all the pink cancer shit? Usual array of blind tags from THN as they work over the challengers. JBL takes the opportunity to run down Mil Mascaras. He doesn’t even raise his voice about him, just casually describes his hatred. Kane dumps Ziggler and Bryan tags himself in. He hits the flying knee to the outside as we go to a break. Rule #7 will never be proven wrong.
We’re back as the blind tagging keeps going. Heel tag team shenanigans and Del Rio takes over on Bryan.Sweet super kick from ADR as we slowly make our way towards the big segment in five minutes. Some more back and forth shit as the fans only want Bryan on offense. Anything else happening and they’re bored as fuck. Some more heel team formula as this is beginning to drag. Ziggler and Bryan with the Yes/No spot that the fans do get into. Obviously he’s cut off and the fans shut up again. Kane with the hot tag and the fans wake up a bit. Ziggler cuts him off and gets two with the fameasser. Kane back with the usual and Bryan tags himself in and hits a missile dropkick for two. Some more wacky tags and Kane wins with the chokeslam. Ziggler loses obviously.
The invisible camera catches Vince and JR having a heart to heart. They bring up Jerry Lawler as a way to get heat for the match. Vince wants JR to call the match and gets JR to shout “MCMAHON MCMAHON MCMAHON” to psyche him up or whatever.
Who had three weeks in the “Use the heart attack as an angle” pool?
Larry King is out with some hooer. Shaun, his wife apparently. The Miz interrupts to talk about a fucking twitter war they had last week. Miz tries to get everyone to sing him happy birthday which goes about as well as you’d expect. Kofi Kingston gets brought out to replace Miz. Kingston sucks up to the fans in the most patronising manner. All these people are shite. Chick throws water at Miz, ofi batters Miz and throws him off the stage. He follows with a flying clothesline as this show FUCKING DRAGS ON.
Santino/Zack Ryder v Rhodes Scholars.
Rhodes and Sandow were meant to be as a team. One guess who’s winning this. Ryder used to be so over. Ryder with some rollups and a clothesline before Sandow takes over. Sandow is such a bastard. The fans are so bored here. Three hours is way too fucking long to have this level of match on so late. Santino gets the lukewarm tag and immediately gets pinned with the disaster kick.
Next week it’s Rey/Sin Cara v Rhodes Scholars.
The worst gang of all time, Heath Slater, Jinder Mahal and Drew McIntire batter Santino after the match. Then they do their dance. FUCK. MORE ANGLES.
Invisible camera with Vince and Heyman. Paul wants to broker peace between Punk and Vince using Vince’s dad as a hook. Vince is not appreciative.
It’s half three in the fucking morning and IT’S EVE V KAITLIN. Rule #3. If you both only get billed with one name, your match will only go two minutes.
Layla is on commentary. Great. I’m currently watching the Top Ten Moves Of Johhny Ace on Youtube.
10. Missile Dropkick
9. Lariat Flurry
8. Powerbomb Hold
7. Apron DDT
6. Ace Crusher II
5. Ace Crusher
4. Cobra Clutch Suplex
3. Apron Ace Crusher
2. Rope Assisted Ace Crusher
1. Press Style Ace Crusher.
Eve beat Kaitlin with a heel hook.
Daniel Bryan wackiness with Larry King and his mot. Kane arrives. More wackiness. Kane thought Larry King was Skeletor. Legit funny.
Invisible camera catches Heyman trying to talk Punk out of the fight again. I WANT TO GO TO BED.
Vince McMahon v CM Punk
Vince gets jumped on the way down the aisle. Punk kicks the fuck out of him outside the ring. Vince double legs Punk and they have a laughable ground and pound reversal series. Punk boots him in the head and does a bit of gloating. To the outside where Punk mocks JR on the headset. Vince reverses the GTS by running Punk into the post. It looks like Vince is busted open hard way as he chucks Punk over the announce table. He goes to town on Punk with a microphone and runs a chair into his balls.
Back inside and Vince has the Shane-O-Mac kendo stick. Punk bails however and tries to retreat to the back. Vince punches Heyman outside and hijacks the title. Punk gets his own stick as the stand off continues. They have a stick war which Vince gets the better of. The fans are losing their minds as Punk hits a low blow. Punk goes all Steve Blackman on Vince with both sticks and motions for the GTS. Ryback interrupts for fuck sake. Punk bails but Cena runs out to throw him back in. Ryback with the clothesline and goes for the Pinkeye. Punk escapes and runs.
Vince gets on the microphone and gives Punk an ultimatum. Fight Cena or Ryback at Hell in a Cell. I’d pick Cena. All day.
Terrible show by the way. Never again.