Sorry about the delay, gardening problems are making sure I can’t see Raw until later on. Possibly tonight around 10 or 11 GMT.
HELL IN A CELL 2012
Will The Ryback bring home the gold?
WE ARE LIVE from Phillips Arena in Atlanta GA. Commentators tonight are JBL, Michael Cole and Jim Ross.
The set looks really good. I approve of the new trend of not having a border around the big screen.
Alberto Del Rio v Randy Orton
Great choice to open the show. Ricardo’s ring intro mentions PROMO Azteca I believe.
Announcers open up talking about how Orton looks naked without gold. Given Randy’s lost nearly every week in the buildup, he should win here.
Orton quickly takes over on ADR outside. He puts the Garvin stomp on him back in. Del Rio gets the heat two minutes in with an arm breaker over the turnbuckle. He basically lashes the arm out of it for the remainder of the match with Randy’s usual highspots worked in. ADR did a ridiculous double foot stomp off the top that looked like it broke Orton in two. He then horribly botched a top rope dropkick reversal spot by jumping off too early. Or Randy fucked it up by turning around too late. Either way they lost the crowd who had been with them the whole way.
Finish saw Randy reverse the armbar for a two count. Afterwards Del Rio went for his springboard kick but got hit with an RKO for the win. Great finish but they REALLY fucked up that spot in the home stretch.
Winner: Randy Orton – RKO.
Vickie Guerrero and Paul Heyman waste some time for a few minutes.
Tag Titles – Team Hell No v Rhodes Scholars.
Both teams have been awesome lately. The challengers cut a promo calling themselves the tag team champions in the style of Kane and Daniel Brian.
Brian and Damien Sandow start off. Brian hits his YES kicks in the corner and tags in Kane. Rhodes comes in and sideslams Cody Rhodes. Brian back in for more YES/NO related crowd banter. Seriously, the crowd are DYING to cheer Daniel as a face.
Heels hit a blind tag and Sandow hits Kane with a chop block for the heat. Kane fights back and hits the lukewarm tag.
Brian runs wild and hits a tope on both guys. Bad guys take over on the way back in. The heel team are making quick tags and generally being dicks. Elbow of Distain gets two and Sandow hits the chinlock. Brian fights out and hits a drop toe hold on to the turnbuckle and gets the hot tag.
Usual Kane spots but the clothesline gets blocked. He gets it on the second try and signals for the chokeslam. Brian tags himself in, hits the flying knee and we have some face miscommunication. Sandow pulls Kane out and Rhodes hits a pescado on to both. Brian follows with the apron knee but hits Kane by mistake. They argue and Rhodes hits a baseball slide. Rhodes hits his finish in the ring and Kane saves and loses his mind. He destroys both heels as the ref starts counting. Oh fuck.
The elusive ‘kicking too much ass’ DQ. THIS FEUD MUST CONTINUE.
Winners: Rhodes Scholars – DQ.
THEY SHOWED AN AD FOR DOOMSDAY PREPPERS! AMAZING!
Intercontinental Championship – Kofi Kingston v The Miz.
Miz gets his AWESOME inflatable entrance. Has to be winning.
Kofi is wearing some new tights. Has to be winning.
They go back and forth for a bit with Kofi showing some decent fire. Something he’s lacked since the Randy Orton program which we will never speak of again. Miz catches him off a gymnastic display with a big boot on the outside. He takes it inside and hits the chinlock. Kofi fights out and gets dragged down by the hair. Miz gets two off the top rope axehandle. He gets clotheslined off the corner clothesline and Kofi starts his comeback spots. Boom Drop sets up the Trouble in Paradise but MIz bails. Crossbody gets two. They badly fuck up a neck breaker/rollup spot.
Miz takes over again with a weird move. I’m gonna go with ‘ankle stunner’. Miz starts working on the leg and rips off the padding and shit Kofi wears on his boots. Best part is that now it looks like Kofi wears corrective shoes now one of his lifts are gone. Half crab from Miz and Kofi starts working for the ropes. Miz pulls him back but gets rolled up. Trouble in Paradise is ducked and Miz goes for the Skull Crushing Finale. They ‘battle’ over it and Kofi boots Miz outside the ring. Miz back in, gets the big kick and Kofi gets the three.
Winner: Kofi Kingston – Trouble in Paradise.
Kingston cuts a cringey promo afterwards and we’re all embarrassed for him.
United States Championship – Antonio Cesaro v Justin Gabriel
Cesaro cuts a promo in Swiss as I realize that the WHAT chants are TEN YEARS OLD. And we’ll all wish cancer on to Steve Austin and move on with our lives.
JBL on commentary buries Gabriel’s hair. It is outlandish in fairness. JBL also puts over Gabriel’s dad Paul Lloyd as a great Greco Roman wrestler.
Cesaro starts off with some power stuff. Clubbering, stomps and the like. He hits the chinlock for a bit as the announcers are really getting on my nerves. Cesaro hits a cool fallaway slam off the top rope. He’s basically grecoing the shit out of Gabriel. Gabriel lands on his feet off a throw and hits a quebrada but gets clotheslined out of his boots for some more heat. Gabriel gets his feet up on a blind charge and hits a spinning DDT. He rolls through the 450 and after a bit of messing around hits an AJ Styles DDT from the corner. Cesaro escapes to the outside as Gabriel follows with a pescado. He follows right into the fucking Bolo uppercut however and that’s it. Cesaro rolls him in, hits the Neutraliser and finishes the job.
Winner: Antonio Cesaro – Neutraliser.
Looks like we’re going with Punk – Ryback early. Shit one baldy.
Nope, just a Ryback video package on this here pay per view.
Oh, unadvertised match TWO here tonight as I assume Ryback’s match will be going all of three minutes.
Rey Mysterio/Sin Cara v THE PRIMETIME PLAYERS
Yes, real main event for me here.
Has Rey gotten that fat that he needs to hide his upper body with that stupid vest? Young hits the chinlock after a minute, Rey fights out and Sin Cara gets his contractually mandated one minute to shine before selling for five.
Titus catches Sin Cara’s cross body and hits three backbreakers. He then casually throws Sin Cara away as the crowd laughs. Darren Young hits a sideslam on the apron. A really cool move thats no more dangerous than a bodyslam. Heels switch off with a cool gourdbuster double team. Awesome spot as Yong starts wiggling his hips shouting MILLIONS OF DOLLARS and gets kicked in the dick. Titus hits a suplex that looked like it took way more effort than it should have. Sin Cara’s selling has improved drastically. The baby face team’s masks are awesome by the way, both have the others’ mask design on the back of their own.
Titus misses a three point stance in the corner and Sin Cara gets the Ultimo Dragon reverse DDT. Hot tag Rey and he runs wild with the usual as the crowd are popping big. D. Young’s punch drunk selling is something to behold. Awesome. Sin Cara hits a plancha off the post while Rey hits the 619 in the ring. Big splash gets the pin, great match.
Replays show that the reversal Sin Cara got into the reverse DDT looked more like he got dragon suplexed on his own head. SHIT ONE.
Winners: Sin Cara/Rey Mysterio – 619/Splash
World Heavyweight Title: Sheamus v Big Show.
JBL seems delighted that Leinster scored nine tries against the Cardiff Blues. As he should be. Dolph is shown backstage with the case. Some power stuff to start to establish the Big Show as the BIG SHOW. Bodyslams and the like from Show as the match is sloooowwww.
Sheamus, in fairness, is doing some uber quick offense to get back into it. He hits a tackle to the legs and Show rolls out to survey the situation. Back in and Sheamus hits some shoulder blocks in the corner that make me yearn for Brock Lesnar. Show biers him back out and throws him into the dasher boards. Back in a sideslam gets two as Sheamus is a pretty good plucky babyface. For a 260 pound man like. Show casually throws Sheamus over the announce table and hits the Final Cut back inside.
Sheamus fights back and gets a flying shoulder block over the top rope. Show comes right back however and slaps him around some more. Show puts on a bearhug, Sheamus come back with a slam but Show lands on top. Vaderbomb gets two afterwards. Show goes for the chokeslam but Sheamus fucks up a DDT reversal. He hits the 10 forearms on Show but gets hit with the chokeslam for TWO. Great near fall.
Sheamus fights back off a camel clutch and tries for the cloverleaf with predictable results. Back in with some knees and a couple of Polish hammers. Sheamus gets Show up for White Noise but can only get two. Awesome near fall again!
Sheamus sizes up the Brogue Kick and gets KNOCKED OUT. Show covers for TWO. HOLY SHIT! Show goes for the punch again but Sheamus nails him with the Brogue Kick! AGAIN FOR TWO! He BURIED him with that kick on the replay!
Sheamus goes for a second kick but Show punches the shit out of him mid move. New Champion. Really great series of spots to finish. Great job from both guys.
Winner and NEW World Heavyweight Champion: Big Show – WMD punch.
Women’s Match – Tea break. Also, couple of Fox’s Classics.
Divas Title – Eva v Kaitlin v Layla
All I’ll say about this is that Kaitlin squats bro.
Winner: Eve – STEALING THE PIN
THREE WEEK BUILD TO SURVIVOR SERIES
HERE WE GO!
WWE Championship: CM Punk v THE RYBACK
The opening package was actually amazing. THERE”S HOLES IN THE SIDE! WILL THERE BE CLIMBING?
Heyman provides his watch so we know it’s clobbering time. Punk and Heyman share a sad hug before Punk enters the cell. Goldberg chants already. I love that Ryback’s twitter is Ryback22. As if there were 21 other Rybacks that were cyberjacking his name.
Brad Maddox is your referee tonight. Oh.
Punk starts by running away. Repeatedly. Heyman: “I believe in you.”
Punk with a chop but Ryback hits the boot stomp. Ryback whips Punk into the buckle twice. He follows with a blind charge and hits boot. Tornado DDT attempt by Punk is thrown off comically by Ryback. Punk now being thrown again and again into the cell. GOLDBERG, GOLDBERG.
Punk attacks from under the ring with a fire extinguisher is a hilarious looking spot. Ryback just boots a chair back into Punk’s face and press slams him in over the top.Another press slam inside as Ryback sets up for the meathook. It misses and Punk hits a springboard clothesline. The fans are starting to get behind Punk now.Two Macho Man axehandles get Ryback down to a knee. A third is caught and Ryback starts with the shoulderblocks in the corner. Punk back with a heel kick and a tope into the cage. Neckbreaker outside from Punk. A second gets reversed but Punk dodges and Ryback eats the steps.
Back in and Punk gets the chinlock. Ryback gets the backpack stunner and hits the post again. Punk with a running knee to the corner and the flying elbow. Punk gets a kendo stick and starts going to work on Ryback’s back. He just shrugs it off and starts the big comeback. Clotheslines and the huge back body drop. He hits the meathook and BRAD MADDOX blocks the Shellshock. Maddox hits Ryback with a lowblow and they dog pile him for the quick three. Inventive way of getting out of the match in fairness.
Ryback starts whooping on all involved after the match. Maddox gets the meathook. Ryback then press slams him into the fucking cage. Never in a million years would I get in there with that man. Punk starts climbing to get away but Ryback follows. He hits Punk with Shellshock on top of the cell which really put the shits up me.
The show ends with Ryback on top of the cell with one foot on Punk’s chest.
Best match: Sheamus v Show
Worst match: Divas.
Follow me @adamninja. KTHX.
Demian Maia v Rick Story
Maia finally went back to his jitz game after pretending he was a striker since 2009 in his quick win over Dong-Hyun Kim. Story is 1 – 2 in his last 3 and needs a win to stay out of the relegation zone.
No entrances for either guy. Disappointing as both have great walk out tunes. Stranglehold by Ted Nugent and a 1980’s Brazillian rock tune. GUESS WHO USES WHICH?
Maia opens up with a beautiful double and takes Story’s back as he tries to escape. Full hooks in against the cage. Maia goes palm to palm and hits the most disgusting neck crank RNC I’ve ever seen. He literally squeezed so hard blood started coming from Story’s nose. Deeply uncomfortable. Maia ‘s first tap in the cage since beating Sonnen in London in March 2009.
Winner: Demian Maia. 2:30 R1 via tap out due to rear naked choke.
Phil Davis v `Wagner Prado
Not sure what to expect here after their first match went like 20 seconds. If Davis doesn’t rape his eyes again it could be an alright fight. Davis’ style is rarely conducive to an exciting fight however.
Prado is the greatest man ever coming out. He’s dancing, waving and even thwarted a hat theft. He’s fucking delighted to be here. Davis out to Flux Pavillion. His physique has gotten more normal as his UFC career has gone on. Anyone know what’s up with that?
How long has Marc Goddard had that tattoo?
One minute of shadow boxing before Davis tries to clinch up. He eventually gets a double at two minutes in. Prado is going for a kimura from guard but Davis defending well. Davis takes the back off the wall walk but Prado is holding the cage for dear life. Another double from Davis and some more ground and pound. Blatant shot to the back of the head not called by Goddard, fans are not happy. Prado back up with ten seconds to go and gets taken down with a greco throw off the cage immediately. 10 – 9 Davis.
Davis with a flying knee and ends up with a single. He gorillas Prado down and has him on his ass against the cage. Back circling and Prado doesn’t look as sharp. Another takedown from Davis that Prado was nice enough to stand there and accept. Phil’s working for an arm triangle but Prado escapes like a boss. He gets caught by Davis in position for an anaconda choke, he wastes no time, hits the gator roll and gets the finish. Beautiful sequence from Davis.
Winner: Phil Davis . 4:25 R2 via tap out due to anaconda choke.
Jon Fitch v Erick Silva
Highest stakes on all the card for these guys. Fitch loses and he’s most likely out of the title mix forever and has to start thinking of a life after the sport without those championship paydays to work towards. Silva is looking to become the next Brazillian title contender. With the Brazil market emerging it is in his best interests to get the W here.
Silva coming out to Rampage’s theme music of all things. Fitch out to Cash’s version of Rusty Cage as usual. Fucking great walk out song. I love that Fitch always touches gloves while running round the outside. Fitch booed like crazy.
Fitch catches a knee and rushes Silva to the floor and starts Fitching him against the cage. Silva escapes off a failed starting arm triangle. Silva with some hard fucking shots but Fitch ties him up again. Fitch rocks Silva with a hard elbow off the break. Back to Fitching Silva against the fence. Fitch 10 – 9. Real good round.
Fitch tries to tie up but Silva switches and takes his back. Fitch escapes but Silva to the back again. Fitch to the feet and gets the hands free. Back to the Fitch grind against the cage. Silva switches again and has a full rear naked choke applied! Fitch is gutting it out, controlling the hands. Fitch reverses to guard, starts pounding and takes Silva’s back. HE SWITCHES TO AN ARMBAR AND HAS IT LOCKED, SILVA ESCAPES BY THE SKIN OF HIS TEETH. Tough to score, either guy 10 – 9. Awesome round!
Fitch starts out round three by dragging Silva straight to the ground and starts pounding the fuck out of him. He takes the back but Silva escapes and pulls an arm in guillotine! This is a fucking crazy fight, never get this out of Fitch fights! Fitch takes the back, gets full hooks and stretches him out! Silva gives up the mount and gets the shit pounded out of him again. Has to be 10 – 8 Fitch. Great fight, perhaps Fitch’s best fight ever. He broke that poor boys spirit.
Winner: Jon Fitch via Unanimous Decision. 30-27, 29-28 and 29-28.
NO ONE GAVE ROUND THREE 10 – 8?
Glover Teixeira v Fabio Maldonado
Tons of fighters bailed on fighting Teixeira. Shogun and Lyoto turned it down while Rampage Jackson had to pull out due to injury. He’s the hottest prospect in the light heavyweight division. Maldonado has lost two on the bounce. He’s likely to be cut with a loss although both fights were fight of the night winners and fucking awesome brawls.
Fabio out to Bill Conte’s Gonna Fly Now. Glover out to Chuck’s old theme music. He looks like such a beast.
Glover drops him in like 15 seconds and gets mount. He’s dropping big ass elbows as Fabio is trying to escape. Glover is trying to bait Fabio into an arm triangle. He;s dropping BOMBS on Fabio. Glover finally gets the side choke but Fabio guts through and defends. Back to punching from mount as the fans are not thrilled about this. Maldonado escapes and gets back to the feet. Glover starts whopping on Fabio again but he hits a beast of a left hook to the chin! AND ANOTHER! Glover is wobbly as fuck and they’re both swinging away! Round ends after another Glover takedown. 10 – 8 round. Has to be.
Glover straight in with the takedown in round two. He’s like ‘fuck this boxing shit.’ Glover back to full mount and whooping on Fabio again. Fabio Maldonado is the toughest guy on the planet. To half guard and Glover is using his head to push on Fabio’s face. Both guys are pretty gassed. More hammerfists from the top position. Yamasaki stands them up for no good fucking reason. After the doctor checks both lads, Glover starts tagging the shit out of him again to end the round. It’s pretty fucking disgusting to be honest. Maldonado’s face is like hamburger meat.
The doctor stops the fight in the corner between rounds. It’s Maldonado’s third loss in a row but he can’t be cut after this fucking fight.
Winner: Glover Teixeira via TKO (doctor stoppage) after R2.
Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira v Dave Herman
BIG NOG is back after the most gruesome televised injury in modern history. He looked awful at weigh ins but he always has since he beat Randy in Portland. The fucker is BROKEN. Pee Wee last lost out to Roy Nelson after being knocked the fuck out. It should be a great one round fight. After that it’s a crap shoot for both lads.
Herman has never been submitted and doesn’t believe that jiu jitsu works. “A fraud” I believe were his exact words.
Herman comes out to some Portuguese tune that has the fans singing along. As soon as they saw Herman on the big screen they acted like they’d been double crossed and booed vociferously. Nog coming out to COME WITH ME. Why not the Jamiroquai song instead? The amount of times I tried to spell Jamiroquai was ridiculous.
Herman comes out kicking the injured arm. Bastard. Herman with a takedown from the clinch and stands back up. Some more clinching from Nog but Herman has an overhook on the broken arm. Bastard. Herman trying to play the distance game that did him SO WELL against Big Country. Herman just standing in front of him not moving. He’s showing him zero respect. 10 – 9 Herman with the takedown and hard body kicks. He’s controlling where the fight is.
Nog drops him straight away in round two and passes to side control. He’s working on an americana. Herman defends well but ends up mounted. He gives up the back and Nog switches to spider web! Herman escapes back to the feet. Maybe jiu jitsu doesn’t work after all. Herman with another takedown, gets top and stands back up. Herman is dropping his hands during every exchange and is getting tagged. Nog connects and takes him down to side control and passes to mount. Armlock, Herman defends, Nog adjusts and gets the tap. Great fight, great finish. The fans are going ape shit. That was an awesome sequence to finish the fight. PRO WRESTLING ALIVE AND WELL IN MMA. Couldn’t have scripted it better. Anderson Silva was shown openly weeping in the back with his handlers desperately trying to calm him down.
Winner: Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira via armbar at 4:31 of R2
Anderson Silva v Stephan Bonnar
This is seriously the most ridiculous fight they’ve ever promoted as a main event. It should be awesome given the story, both guys’ styles and crowd heat.
With the UFC injury bug, sometimes you end up with Renan Barao as the main event and sometimes you get stuff like this.
This will probably be Bonnar’s swansong as he was openly contemplating retirement before being offered this fight. It will likely make no difference to Silva’s career as it’s clear he is saving the show for UFC. How irritating would it be for Silva’s streak to be ended by STEPHAN BONNAR?
The Who as usual for Bonnar. He’s running around pretty gingerly. Not the best athlete anymore. Fans going apeshit for the opening strains of DMX obviously. Silva shares a hug with a returning Big Nog in the back. Really nice moment. Silva looking nervous.
Combined age in the cage is 72 years. Bonnar is fucking gigantic next to Silva.
Bonnar out aggressive and Silva slips. Bonnar with the clinch, looking for a single against the fence. Bonnar dirty boxing but Silva with a knee to the body. Double undercooks against the cage from Bonnar. Anderson with doubles and gets the thai clinch. Silva pressing Bonnar against the fence. They separate from the cage after a flurry and Silva willingly backs on the the cage and invites Bonnar to hit him. He’s making a mockery out of him, just avoiding all his shots. Silva starts tagging the shit out of Bonnar. Silva trips him and follows up with a KILLER of a knee to the sternum. It looks like his ribs are broken. Bonnar turtles up in great pain and Silva pounds him out.
Winner: Anderson Silva via TKO (knee to the body and punches) at 4:40 of R1.
WHO CAN STOP HIM?
Anderson Silva d Stephan Bonnan via TKO (knee to the body and punches) in R1
Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira d Dave Herman via armbar in R2
Glover Teixeira d Fabio Maldonado via doctor’s stoppage after round two.
Jon Fitch d Erick Silva via unanimous decision
Phil Davis d Wagner Prado via anaconda choke in R2
Demien Maia d Rick Story via RNC in R1
Rony Jason d Sam Sicilia via TKO (punches) in R2
Gleison Tibau v Francisco Trinaldo via unanimous decision
Diego Brandao d Joey Gambino via unanimous decision
Sergio Moraes d Renee Forte via RNC in R3
Chris Camozzi d Luiz Cane via unanimous decision
Cristiano Marcello d Reza Madadi via split decision
Fuck it, been too long since I watched Raw live. I’m expecting it to be a train wreck.
Announcers are Cole, JR and JBL.
Cena comes out and does a fucking AWFUL promo, making animal noises and shit. He eventually blames CM Punk for the show being so shitty lately and challenges him for Hell in a Cell. THE RYBACK interrupts his exit and they share an uneasy look. I’m sure Cena is fucking dreading working with that man.
THE RYBACK v Primo and Epico, The sad Puerto Ricans.
Goldberg chants early. They get some heat early while JBL gives out about Carlos Colon owing him money. Ryback finishes the lads with the usual in about three minutes. He looks so dangerous, dumping people on the back of their heads and shit. The crowd are getting super into him though.
Brodus Clay is out as the dancers are looking ultra hooer tonight.
R-Truth v Brodus Clay never gets started. Stupid fucking dance off. There’s Vince on the big screen. His message “Fuck off and dance out of here black people. Your master needs his ring.”
Vince is out to save the company. THE STATE OF THE WWE. He buries Brodus Clay and dancing in general. He’s going on about the ‘entertainment’ aspect of WWE. CM Punk interrupts in his new appalling t shirt. Paul Heyman holding the belt is the best thing in wrestling today.
Vince buries the t shirt. YAY. Punk ranting about not fighting Cena. Same as last week. Disrespect etc. Vince says he’s not a CM Punk guy nor a Heyman guy. Not the best week for Jewish writers.
Punk threatens to leave again like he did last year. He’s the best in the world, makes the company go around and all that.
Vince: “What makes this a success is the WWE Universe.” Cocksucker.
Vince negatively compares Punk to Shawn, Andre, Bret, HHH and Undertaker before Punk cuts him off at Austin. Punk calls Steve Austin a coward that beat up a clueless inept millionaire. Hopefully this is the first step towards Punk – Austinat Mania.
Punk fucking HAMMERS Vince with a slap and knocks him down. UGH, Vince v Punk tonight. Heyman thinks that “this went the wrong way”. Punk suggests trusting him.
THE FUCKING LADS are in the ring doing their dance. All black wrestlers dance. Rule #43 of wrestling.
Prime Time Players v Rey Mysterio/Sin Cara
Rey is mucho chubby at the minute. The Mexicans do some dives to take us to commercial. Rule #7 of Raw.
Sin Cara is getting surprisingly awesome as a never say die babyface. Especially given how shitty he was when he started out. Rey makes the hot comeback and finishes with the 619 and top rope splash. This was fucking great, they are better than all teams that aren’t Kazarian and Daniels.
The invisible camera is busy listening to Punk and Heyman having a chat. Punk is gonna whoop his ass while Heyman wants him to lay down.
Wade Barrett v Sheamus. Neither lad are as good as Tom “The Scorpion” King. Big Show interrupts straight away. He just observes the match, decided to wait until we’ve wasted ten minutes before doing the fuck finish.
Both of these lads don’t mind laying the digs in so it should be alright. Sheamus slams Barrett around for a bit until Barrett trips him to the outside. Sheamus lands hard as Raw rule #7 rears it’s head again.
Back from break and Sheamus is taking back over on Barrett. They really don’t like showing Sheamus in trouble for too long. Barrett getting some heat with knee lifts and choking. He kicks Sheamus square in the fucking face and gets two off that. Flying elbow misses and Sheamus makes the big comeback. Clotheslines, Polish hammers, show more kneelifts. Fuck off kneelifts. JBL quotes Dusty as Sheamus comes with the clobbering. FUCKING TENSAI runs in for the fuck finish.
Sheamus makes his own comeback and hits Tensai with the boot. He tries it on Show who just dumps him over the top like a bitch. Sheamus fucking NAILED the back of his head on the floor.
We goto break as JR is going to the back to interview Vince.
CM Punk talks to AJ about breaking Vince tonight. AJ suggests he’s too scared to fight John Cena. Punk gives her a little smooch and sleazes out of the room.
They show some Cena clips from shitty TV shows. I take the opportunity to watch Tom KIng lashing lads out of it in the MMA League.
Poor Tyson Kidd, never has an entrance.
Antonio Cesaro v Tyson Kidd.
Kidd does the sweetest reversal into an armlock around the ropes. Then he gets lashed out of it after a roll up. Double foot stomp on the apron from Cesaro. No heat for the poor lads. Kidd makes a sweet comeback with some high flying and shit. Cesaro cuts him off with the flapjack uppercut and finishes with the Neutraliser. Three minutes but it was a great three minutes.
Can’t believe there’s more than an hour to go. Honestly feel like bailing on it.
Vickie Guerrero is out. Rack ahoy. Time for Ziggler to get his weekly mandated loss. He seems to be more flamboyantly homosexual as the weeks go by. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Ricardo Rodriguez can’t roll his r’s anymore. More honey and lemon son.
The fans love Daniel Brian so much. Nobody in wrestling gets the reaction he gets.
Zigger/Del Rio v Team Hell No.
Is it wrong that I’m sick of all the pink cancer shit? Usual array of blind tags from THN as they work over the challengers. JBL takes the opportunity to run down Mil Mascaras. He doesn’t even raise his voice about him, just casually describes his hatred. Kane dumps Ziggler and Bryan tags himself in. He hits the flying knee to the outside as we go to a break. Rule #7 will never be proven wrong.
We’re back as the blind tagging keeps going. Heel tag team shenanigans and Del Rio takes over on Bryan.Sweet super kick from ADR as we slowly make our way towards the big segment in five minutes. Some more back and forth shit as the fans only want Bryan on offense. Anything else happening and they’re bored as fuck. Some more heel team formula as this is beginning to drag. Ziggler and Bryan with the Yes/No spot that the fans do get into. Obviously he’s cut off and the fans shut up again. Kane with the hot tag and the fans wake up a bit. Ziggler cuts him off and gets two with the fameasser. Kane back with the usual and Bryan tags himself in and hits a missile dropkick for two. Some more wacky tags and Kane wins with the chokeslam. Ziggler loses obviously.
The invisible camera catches Vince and JR having a heart to heart. They bring up Jerry Lawler as a way to get heat for the match. Vince wants JR to call the match and gets JR to shout “MCMAHON MCMAHON MCMAHON” to psyche him up or whatever.
Who had three weeks in the “Use the heart attack as an angle” pool?
Larry King is out with some hooer. Shaun, his wife apparently. The Miz interrupts to talk about a fucking twitter war they had last week. Miz tries to get everyone to sing him happy birthday which goes about as well as you’d expect. Kofi Kingston gets brought out to replace Miz. Kingston sucks up to the fans in the most patronising manner. All these people are shite. Chick throws water at Miz, ofi batters Miz and throws him off the stage. He follows with a flying clothesline as this show FUCKING DRAGS ON.
Santino/Zack Ryder v Rhodes Scholars.
Rhodes and Sandow were meant to be as a team. One guess who’s winning this. Ryder used to be so over. Ryder with some rollups and a clothesline before Sandow takes over. Sandow is such a bastard. The fans are so bored here. Three hours is way too fucking long to have this level of match on so late. Santino gets the lukewarm tag and immediately gets pinned with the disaster kick.
Next week it’s Rey/Sin Cara v Rhodes Scholars.
The worst gang of all time, Heath Slater, Jinder Mahal and Drew McIntire batter Santino after the match. Then they do their dance. FUCK. MORE ANGLES.
Invisible camera with Vince and Heyman. Paul wants to broker peace between Punk and Vince using Vince’s dad as a hook. Vince is not appreciative.
It’s half three in the fucking morning and IT’S EVE V KAITLIN. Rule #3. If you both only get billed with one name, your match will only go two minutes.
Layla is on commentary. Great. I’m currently watching the Top Ten Moves Of Johhny Ace on Youtube.
10. Missile Dropkick
9. Lariat Flurry
8. Powerbomb Hold
7. Apron DDT
6. Ace Crusher II
5. Ace Crusher
4. Cobra Clutch Suplex
3. Apron Ace Crusher
2. Rope Assisted Ace Crusher
1. Press Style Ace Crusher.
Eve beat Kaitlin with a heel hook.
Daniel Bryan wackiness with Larry King and his mot. Kane arrives. More wackiness. Kane thought Larry King was Skeletor. Legit funny.
Invisible camera catches Heyman trying to talk Punk out of the fight again. I WANT TO GO TO BED.
Vince McMahon v CM Punk
Vince gets jumped on the way down the aisle. Punk kicks the fuck out of him outside the ring. Vince double legs Punk and they have a laughable ground and pound reversal series. Punk boots him in the head and does a bit of gloating. To the outside where Punk mocks JR on the headset. Vince reverses the GTS by running Punk into the post. It looks like Vince is busted open hard way as he chucks Punk over the announce table. He goes to town on Punk with a microphone and runs a chair into his balls.
Back inside and Vince has the Shane-O-Mac kendo stick. Punk bails however and tries to retreat to the back. Vince punches Heyman outside and hijacks the title. Punk gets his own stick as the stand off continues. They have a stick war which Vince gets the better of. The fans are losing their minds as Punk hits a low blow. Punk goes all Steve Blackman on Vince with both sticks and motions for the GTS. Ryback interrupts for fuck sake. Punk bails but Cena runs out to throw him back in. Ryback with the clothesline and goes for the Pinkeye. Punk escapes and runs.
Vince gets on the microphone and gives Punk an ultimatum. Fight Cena or Ryback at Hell in a Cell. I’d pick Cena. All day.
Terrible show by the way. Never again.
HERE WE GO!
Featherweight bout- Cub Swanson vs. Charles Oliveira
This just can’t be shitty. Both guys are coming off finishing TUF winners. Swanson lashed Ross Pearson out of it and Oliveira tapped Jonathan Brookins with a sweet guillotine variant. Swanson has really stepped up his game since being brutally finished in less than 10 seconds by Jose Aldo in 2009.
Oliveira with a takedown to start. Swanson just chilling in full guard, hanging on to Oliveira. Cub gets back to his feet and they’re trading again. Swanson with a filthy left hook to the body and a fucking cannonball of a right to the temple to put Oliveira down. The way Charlie dropped was hilarious. The body shot just took all of his heart away from him.
Swanson: “He was tough, man.” NOPE.
Cub is a surprisingly well spoken fellow considering he looks like a sketch pad for a prison tattooist.
Light Heavyweight bout- Matt Hamill vs. Roger Hollett
Not sure about this one from the outset. Hollett is coming off a protracted layoff due to injury and contract messing from Bellator. Hamill is unretiring like Terry Funk and countless other wrestlers in the past. Does a wrestler ever retire? Hamill looked better than ever at the weigh ins. Hollett has never beaten anyone of note but we’ll see if Stella has gotten her groove back after the time off.
Hollett coming out to the RUFF RYDERS THEME. Nokia 3310 ringtones represent. He’s fucking gigantic. How did he weigh in so light? Should have had a silent disco for Hamill’s entrance.
Dan Mirgliotta is our referee. Remember the announcer in YAMMA Pit Fighting in 2008? Christ. “Your referee is Dan Mirgliotta, he’ll stomp ya.” Douche. I’ll send a Ring Of Honor DVD to the first person to name that ring announcer.
Hamill is aggressive early but Hollett is landing shots. Hamill is opening up with combinations where Hollett is landing single shots. The fans are chanting Boo-urns. Hamill with a gigantic takedown and settles into turtle position. Hollett is just taking shot after shot and not defending or trying to escape. Unless trying to get the back of your head in the way of punches is a defensive strategy. It is not. Hollett eventually fought his way up and finished the round hitting a huge body shot.
Hollett is gassed Phil Baroni style here. Hamill absorbs a heavy knee to the body and gets the double. Hollett is back up as the fans are booing the fuck out of these two guys. Hamill is also gassed. Remember Mark Hunt and Ben Rothwell in Denver? It’s approaching that level of gassed. Hollett tries one spinning back kick too many and gets suplexed to finish the round off.
Another double from Hamill after some terrible boxing.We’re back to turtle and Hamill is throwing slow shots. Hollett has no effective defense from this position. Hollett tries a JUNIOR ROLL and ends up in half guard bottom. He escapes to the feet but Hamill doubles him into another dimension again.Hamill straight to half guard but nothing is happening. Big Dan stands them up with a minute to go. Hamill with a double against the fence. You should have seen Hollett’s face from the overhead cam. Just utterly hating his life. It’s over 30 – 27 Hamill. Let’s never speak of this again.
Middleweight bout- Michael Bisping vs. Brian Stann
Bisping is coming off the decision loss to Chael while Stann knocked Alessio Sakara out in a gentlemanly manner.. Bisping should win this unless he gets Hendo’d again. His footwork, wrestling and groundwork is superior in every way to Stann’s.
Stann is out to Shinedown. Ugh, whatever gets you going sarge. Bisping out to hatred. Tiki Ghosen acting as his security is hilarious. I’m not sure using Tito Ortiz’s trainers is going to take Bisping to the next level.
Four guys chanting ‘Let’s go Bisping’. Bisping circling away from the big right hand. LESSON LEARNED. Bisping with some good footwork. Bisping shoots for a double leg, Stann stuffs it against the cage and they trade which Bisping takes the worst of. Low blow from The Count. They are swinging and it’s awesome. Low blow two from Stann this time evening the score. Bisping back to picking Stann off. Stann lands a huge right and Bisping clinches to finish the round. Bisping was seriously rocked from that. He’s still wobbly on the stool. The punch was the third of a three punch combo with his back against the cage.
Stann is head hunting in round two. Bisping with a huge double on the cage into side control. Stann reverses him like a gorilla and working from full guard. Bisping is making angles on the bottom, setting up a triangle. Bisping reverses and stands up via thumb to the eye STREET STYLE. Stann is slowing down and Bisping is jabbing the shit out of him. Another big takedown from Bisping and working for an Americana from side control. Stall escapes to guard to finish the round.
Bisping starts out with great footwork again, jabbing at will. Bisping clinches and takes a right off the separation. Bisping is shutting Stann’s power down between his movement and takedown attempts. Bisping’s gas tank is the difference between the two guys. Has to be 29- 28 for Bisping. Great fight. Yeah, Bisping 29 – 28.
Bisping is the most charismatic lad they have. It’s almost disappointing when he’s so nice after the fight.
Why is Rory Mac Donald a raging hipster? Fuck sake. He’s sitting in the crowd looking like he’s got 20/20 vision with a pair of empty frames.
Two fights to go, it’s been pretty good so far.
UFC Flyweight Championship bout- Joseph Benavidez vs. Demetrious Johnson
I’m not looking forward to recapping this. DJ has been the man outpacing larger opponents. His first foray into the flyweight division was marred by a terrible weight cut that earned him a draw again Ian McCall. He took his chances in the rematch and earned his spot here tonight.
Benavidez is the stronger wrestler and harder puncher but the question is whether he can catch Mighty Mouse. It ain’t easy.
Benavidez comes out to Stranglehold by Ted Nugent. Heroic.
Benavidez looking to clinch straight away but eats a few knees to the body for his trouble. He’s looking for wild haymakers but DJ is hitting him with straight punches. Benavidez is chasing DJ all over the cage but DJ is timing him coming in each time. Benavidez rolls for a knee bar and ends the round on bottom. 10 – 9 Johnson.
Another lightning fast round. Benavidez was catching him with way more shots and tagged the shit out of DJ at the end of the round 10 – 9 Benavidez.
Mighty Mouse tagging Benevidez at will all through the third round. Easy 10 – 9 round. Benavidez can’t keep up with Johnson at all.
Benavidez cracks DJ straight away, drops him and starts working for the Alpha Male guillotine. He went to full mount and tried to finish with one arm. As soon as he lost the grip around the head, Johnson wriggled free from mount and immediately threatened for a heel hook. After they got back to their feet Johnson got two more lightning takedowns and finished on top. Due to the near finish and knockdown, I have to go 10 – 9 Benavidez and we are even going into round five.
Johnson opens up with a takedown, Benavidez gets back up and goes straight back down. More movement from Johnson on the feet as he’s tagging Benavidez at will again. Benavidez needs to do something drastic here to win the round as Johnson looks way too comfortable. Johnson gets the takedown into side control again as he’s dragging the fight out of Benavidez. Mighty Mouse closes out the last 30 seconds by grinding Benavidez against the cage. Has to be Johnson’s round and title belt. Stranger things have happened than a Benavidez win.
48 – 47 DJ, 48 – 47 Benevidez, 48 – 47 DJ. Fair result. There’s booing in the crowd but fuck off. That was an awesome fight and both guys were deserving of the belt.
UFC Light Heavyweight Championship bout- Jon Jones vs. Vitor Belfort
To celebrate the fifth anniversary of Vitor Belfort’s last light heavyweight fight, the Fertitta brothers have decided to gift him a fucking title shot. Let’s get this over with.
Remember Vitor crying against Sakuraba? Having the foot fetish kicked out of him by Anderson Silva? Is this the old Vitor? No, it’s old Vitor. Big difference.
As soon as 50 Cent played for Jones he was booed. As soon as it switched to Bob Marley it was all cheers. Fickle crowd. Amish beard. The size difference is ridiculous. I don’t foresee this going more than one round.
Jones with a takedown right away and working for elbows. FUCK. VITOR THROWS UP AN ARMBAR! It’s tight, it’s TIGHT! Oh and Jones is out of it. That was the most trouble Jones has ever been in. Ever. Jones seems annoyed at this at proceeds to fuck Belfort up in an uncomfortable manner with left elbows. The round ends with Jones in full mount. 10 – 9 Jones even with the near finish from Belfort.
Jones starts out the second by hitting Belfort’s lead leg with a front leg side kick. And proceeds to do this for the rest of the round. Vitor is offering nothing on the feet and Jones is toying with him. Jon clinches and Belfort pulls guard with an overhook and starts working for a triangle as the round ends. 10 – 9 Jones again.
Jones starts out with more side kicks to the thigh and drops Vitor with a kick to the body. He follows with a guard stomp to the body. Belfort is working for an armbar again in guard but Jones is up and out.Vitor is scoring more on the feet but Jones is keeping him at bay easily. Belfort pulls guard again but he’s just hanging out there without doing anything. Vitor is slowly working his hips around but this slow cooking method doesn’t work as well with five minute rounds. Jones is in half and elbowing the shit out of him again. Round ends in full guard, why is this not over. It’s more Jones taking it handy than Vitor being a world beater. 10 – 9 Jones obviously. Vitor needs a finish but when did he not?
Vitor starts the fourth with his trademark wild flurry. Jones gets tagged a few times and starts jabbing Belfort with that side kick again. They clinch and Vitor pulls guard again but Jones slips through. Gets the mounted crucifix and starts hammering elbows down. When Vitor blocks he gets an americana for his troubles and taps out. Surprisingly great fight from the lads.
Jones after the fight admits that his arm was jacked by the armbar and was waiting for it to snap before he escapes. He’s getting cheered wildly here.
Welterweight bout- Kyle Noke def. Charlie Brenneman
Love Brenneman’s hair. Front kick from Noke, followed with a jab. Noke cracks Brenneman with a right and swarms on him. Big Dan jumps in for the stoppage while Brenneman is chasing for a takedown. Early stoppage but it wasn’t getting any better for him. Noke looked great in his welterweight debut, got rid of all that beach muscle.
Other results tonight.
Light Heavyweight bout- Vinny Magalhaes def. Igor Pokrajac via armbar in R2.
Lightweight bout- TJ Grant def. Evan Dunham via 29 – 28 UD.
Welterweight bout- Sean Pierson def. Lance Benoistn via 29 – 28 UD.
Featherweight bout- Marcus Brimage def. Jimy Hettes via 29 – 28 UD.
Welterweight bout- Seth Baczynski def. Simeon Thoresen via KO in R1.
Bantamweight bout- Mitch Gagnon vs. Walel Watson via Rear Naked Choke in R1.
Here’s the story. I’m getting rid of most of my pro wrestling DVDs. It’s time. I’d also like to make some coin on these.
The basics are that one disc DVDs are going for €5, two disc for €7 and three disc for €10. Some will cost a bit more with added value or whatever. Anyone wants any, hit me up on email@example.com.
Right, to the list:
Tagged Classics: All €7
Wrestlemania I and II
Summerslam 88 and 89
Royal Rumble 89 and 90
Survivor Series 97 and 98.
Royal Rumble 2005: €5 (NTSC)
Backlash 03 €5 (NTSC)
Backlash 07 €5 (NTSC)
ECW One Night Stand 05 €5 (NTSC)
ECW One Night Stand 2006 w/ Barely Legal 2006 bonus disc €7 (NTSC)
Vengeance 2006 / extra DX return disc €7 (NTSC)
Summerslam 2008 €5
TNA Genesis 06: Angle v Joe I
TNA Turning Point 04 featuring XXX v AMW legendary cage match
Both TNA for €5
ROH Unscripted 02: Michael Shane v Paul London
ROH The Epic Encounter 03 : Brayn Danielson v Paul London
Both ROH for €5
One Disc: All €5
Self Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior (NTSC)
Rey Mysterio 619
Triple H: The Game
Two Disc: All €7 except where indicated otherwise
Ric Flair and the Four Horsemen (NTSC)
Road Warriors – Legion of Doom (NTSC)
Brian Pillman – Loose Cannon (NTSC)
Jake The Snake Roberts – Pick Yoir Poison (NTSC)
Rob Van Dam – One of a Kind (NTSC)
Shawn Michaels From The Vault
Chris Benoit Hard Knocks €10 (NTSC)
Mick Foley – Greatest Hits and Misses
Eddie Guerrero – Cheating Death, Stealing Life (NTSC)
Three Disc: All €10 except where indicated otherwise
Tombstone: THe History of The Undertaker
Hulk Hogan: Unreleased Collectors Series
Rey Mysterio: The Biggest Little Man
The Dusty Rhodes Story
Hulk Hogan: The Ultimate Anthology
The Shawn Michaels Story
Viva La Raza: The Legacy of Eddie Guerrero
The History of the WWE Championship €10 (NTSC)
Wrestling’s Most Incredible Steel Cage Matches €7
The Greatest Wrestling Stars of the 80’s €10 (NTSC)
The Ladder Match €10 (NTSC)
Starrcarde: The Essential Collection €10